Well crap, I just spent 20 minutes addressing the comments above, then hit the wrong button and lost it all. I'm not going to do-over.... but just want to say thanks for the thoughtful comments.
Please don't let my story depress you. If you have hope for a R, keep hoping. Just don't let it stop you from living the full and happy life that can be yours, with or without that lost partner.
Also, I didn't mean to insinuate that the "happy couple" doesn't have issues. Every couple does. They don't always have the fluttery feeling either, but (according to her) it is a different kind of love than what she claims to have had in her previous M.
Tread, she has not really been much help to me in dealing with my emotions in my own sitch, mainly because she left to pursue another man, and although my H has been with OW since we separated (and may still be), I don't believe he left BECAUSE of another person. I'm still friends with her ex, too- and honestly he has been more help to me, because he's been where I am. I think there's a kinship in rejection, which is one of the reasons it feels so right to come here to share and vent. The people here GET IT because they've FELT IT.
Mark, sorry to hijack.... and I hope you're not flat on your back still seeing stars. You are one of the strong ones here, and it's been encouraging to watch you grow into that strength. We're all just walking each other home, one step at a time.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Fine with you hijacking it's got people talking and that's good..
As you know I find it much easier to understand something that has tangible evidence behind it instead of "experience" although this is good can be VERY relevant to the situation and so biased to a degree. There is obviously trends going on but if you look at the other forums here you will see plenty of piecing also.
Limerence is proven with scientific evidence to back it up and is NOT biased on anything, as I mention many time with this knowledge it could still go three ways but the actual process of limerence does end.
What I was eluding to in my recent post is that I have been detaching well and starting doing some great 180's and enjoying my "single" life a little better. But the general censous I get from the boards is about learning to live with the reality that saving the marriage is almost impossible to achieve, the site has possibly been diluting the "skills" to enable us to do that.
What would MWD say if detachment wasn't working when trying to RC the MR would she suggest trying something different?
I will continue to DR but just suggest we all modify the techniques to suit each other's situation especially if what we're doing NOW isn't working.
Thanks all.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Reading AS talking about how recons have happened after years have passed sounds comforting, but I don't know if I will be able to stand that long - but each to their own.
I'm definitely not trying to blow rainbows up everyone's butts about recon chances My point isn't that you should always hold a candle so much as it is this- you don't know what the future holds. It may be a distant recon, it may be a relationship with a hot new chick, it may be a new relationship with a hot young guy, LOL! You're probably chuckling at that but the most conservative man I ever knew in my life- father of two, forever faithful to his wife of 30+ years, lost her to cancer. He grieved, then he started getting inked up and shacked up with a good-looking guy half his age. And I say ROCK ON BROTHER. There is no reason for any of us to curl up and die because of BD. Our lives are what we make of them. You can choose to sit around waiting to die or you can say "f this, I am going to take this sh*t sandwich and make it into a feast fit for a king." Right?
Haha!! I wasn't trying to throw a jab at you AS, but the story about that conservative dude is bangin'. No reason to curl up and die after BD for reals.
My W literally told me exactly what you said AS - "I am so sorry for giving you another $hit sandwich in life". Hahahaha - Imma definitely turn that into a seven course meal.
Before discovering this forum I conducted quite a bit of research. And in the span of any successful MR. There are always a feeling at some point where thatbfluttering feeling is gone. And people have so called fallen out of love and then it comes back automatically. Situation in a MR changes that feeling. Tried to explain that to my W early on. But she wasn't trying to look at those statistics.
People expecting tonwale upvwith that constant fluttering feeling are living in a fantasy. Reality is full of sitches that dictate your feelings. And my W for one admitted to wanting to live this fantasy. But how do you have a fluttering feeling when OM is at home laid upvwith his own W. Who he has no intent on leaving.
Nothing about these sitches says this is the person I am supposed to be with. If so then the expectations are extremely low. And if that is the case why not just stay in your MR? It just seems as if the WS puts themselves in a far worse sitch.
My wife told me something the other day. She said she doesnt think she can ever have those past intimate feelings for me again, then she caveats with she doesnt know if that comment is coming from a place of hurt. Because she is still truly hurting.
Do I have the power to ellivate that hurt or does only time?
IMO I think we have affects on our S, but we spend so much time looking for responses. It is the best way to gauge if something is working or not. But, what if the true gauge is you? What if you are constantly getting better, you are becoming positive and optimistic, you are becoming sexy, and only a person a fool could leave, then your WAS has enter into a world of true doubt when and if they leave. Starting a new relationship with doubt, can never be a good thing.
What we become out of this experience is stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically. I wonder if BD never happened would I even be working on myself now. Blessing comes in the craziest ways.
I wouldn't wish these feelings on no person, but the person coming out the other side will be amazing, especially if they let go, of trying to control whatever the outcome maybe.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
My wife told me something the other day. She said she doesnt think she can ever have those past intimate feelings for me again, then she caveats with she doesnt know if that comment is coming from a place of hurt. Because she is still truly hurting.
My W told me I was the best sex she has ever had and I was her rock. Then she does this. Doesn't make sense. They may not feel that way now but things can change. Hopefully the feelings she has for you in the future are even stronger than what she had before. Space, distance, time...let her work through her stuff and you do the same. Hopefully with the space and distance she will realize how much she loves you.
Quote:
Do I have the power to ellivate that hurt or does only time?
I think she has to work on her issues and your only power is by working on you. I think you might have some in-direct control but ultimately her issues she has to deal with and face. Space, distance, time and Joe Joe 2.0
Quote:
IMO I think we have affects on our S, but we spend so much time looking for responses. It is the best way to gauge if something is working or not. But, what if the true gauge is you? What if you are constantly getting better, you are becoming positive and optimistic, you are becoming sexy, and only a person a fool could leave, then your WAS has enter into a world of true doubt when and if they leave. Starting a new relationship with doubt, can never be a good thing.
Just do you, I think that is the only thing you can do. Let her go on her journey. When you get clarity you may realize you don't want her back anyway. Some how you have to get confident and flip the script. Get to the point where you could care less if she comes back or not....When you get to that point I think she will notice.
My point isn't that you should always hold a candle so much as it is this- you don't know what the future holds. It may be a distant recon, it may be a relationship with a hot new chick, it may be a new relationship with a hot young guy, LOL! You're probably chuckling at that but the most conservative man I ever knew in my life- father of two, forever faithful to his wife of 30+ years, lost her to cancer. He grieved, then he started getting inked up and shacked up with a good-looking guy half his age. And I say ROCK ON BROTHER. There is no reason for any of us to curl up and die because of BD. Our lives are what we make of them. You can choose to sit around waiting to die or you can say "f this, I am going to take this sh*t sandwich and make it into a feast fit for a king." Right?