I don't like this. It means I never, EVER get a full weekend, I have to run around a lot to make it happen (for the trade we did, I met her halfway for her day. On the zoo day, she made me drive an extra 15 miles each way for pickup AND drop off).
I agree with you. That's insane.
Remember that ultimately the plan has to benefit D. Extra pointless running around is disruptive to her and doesn't allow her to settle in anywhere.
I would not split weekends like this. Your reasoning is: You want full weekends with D and it's too much transition for her. (And of course you'd like full weekends on your own, but this is not part of your reasoning why you do not like the Crazy Weekend Split Schedule, or XW will attack. Keep the focus on D and your time with D.)
Remember, you are one of two parents with equal say. The next 12 years will be XW proposing something to introduce chaos and you having to react to it. Keep your cool and remember that you are not subordinate to XW just because she sets the environment that you are accountable to her. Her wishes do not override your wishes. You can say "no."
I am not surprised that you compromised and gave into something sensible (one Sunday) and she then took your good will, spit on it, and started demanding more. You give an inch and she'll try to take a mile. It's going to be important for your sanity to stick to the plan. There is exactly one parent here who feels empathy and wants to help the other out, and that is you. This sentiment will never be returned your way. The custody order is your protection and, if a judge signs off on it, there is zero guilt in sticking to it and not granting extras. Someone who is an expert in child welfare has said that D will suffer no negative effects if both parents stick to that plan, so do not feel guilty for saying "No, we will stick to the custody order."
I am guessing when you were married to her you did a great deal of giving her what she wanted to avoid an argument. You must start resisting this temptation, for your sake, for your relationship's sake, and so you can be the father that D needs. She will not learn helpful lessons about behavior if she watches XW histrionics successfully modify your behavior to what she wants from you. Remember D in all of this; you have to be strong for her. You have to become okay with XW being mad at you. That's her issue now.
I say the above with recognition that you're doing well with emotional boundaries. It's a reminder, not an indication that you're doing poorly. Now we've just got to get you to stop trying to be a "nice guy" and saying that D will benefit from whatever extras you give XW. To my eyes, everything starts a new argument and conflict is bad for D and takes away the emotional reserves you have to be a good dad to her. You want to reduce opportunities for conflict, and with a high conflict ex, that means reducing communication and strict adherence to the schedule.
Maybe in a few years, after XW has begun to accept that you have rights too, you can experiment with granting extras. It would be nice if the two of you could be low conflict and shuffle things around, but it doesn't look like that is currently going to do anything but introduce more problems.
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XW wanted to get D after school yesterday. She's allowed to under the plan (I put in there that she could see her EVERY day after school, she just has to give me 24 hours notice).
While I agree with the idea that XW should be able to see D on a weeknight when there are long stretches without her, you will come to regret this loosey-goosey language. How about something stating during the week when the parent does not have the child, the other parent can opt to pick D up after school on Wednesdays and bring her back to the custodial parent by 8pm. And to notify the other parent if they will NOT be taking this time, so plans can be made to get D.
That way XW still gets to see her, but it's formalized and you're not apt to have to upend your life and plans for XW, who will want to keep you in a state of uncertainty and chaos. Plus, that will mean you get to see D on Wednesdays if there are stretches where you don't have her during the week. It's like a few hours of check-in, but not overly disruptive to the schedule. It also allows D some predictability, which is the most important thing. She will be able to picture where she'll be doing her homework that night.
I worry you're being "nice" to XW, but really you should be thinking in terms of how disruptive XW can then be, and also the impact on D. D needs stability and predictability. Balance transitions with the ability to spend quality time with both parents. What makes things easier on the parents is not necessarily the same experience for D, especially if she has a personality where she gets anxious with unpredictability.
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. I asked her to put it in text, so all three of us can be on the same page. Her response was, "too many rules with you. So, what, I can't have her now?" I said of course she could have her, and the drama starts.
And this is your life if you leave the plan open as you have it. Nail it down to one day. Do not make XW come to you for permission. Instead, turn it the other way and have her take her on Wednesdays, but she has to give you a heads up if she's not able to use that time. This is how you get less conflict for D to potentially witness and the best chance for non-agitated emotionally-present parents for D.
Remember D. What XW wants is not necessarily best for D. Untie those two concepts, because it's looking like your XW has "starting arguments with East" as a very high priority on her list, and that is very bad for D.
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It also seems that XW is looking at mediation as some kind of weapon, so I think cadence hit the nail on the head as to what she's going to try to do. Thanks for that cadence. Id you hadn't posted that, I'd probably be wondering what the heck she could possible be thinking.
You're welcome. I'm not happy that I have had this experience with a high conflict ex, but at least I can help others to know what's coming. Once you know that habits, you become disturbed that it seems like they pass around an instruction manual on how to cause chaos and conflict.
Remember - you do not have to agree to anything in mediation, but you will be pressured to do so by the mediator. it is so important for you to evaluate requests and decide if they are reasonable. If so, consider them. If not, do not move toward the middle.
You've got a high conflict ex and she will ask for the moon, and then you'll be pressured to give halfway to the moon. But no one should be asking you to go toward the moon in the first place. No one should be asking you to make a less formal plan. If they do, ask yourself "why". Many times, a more formal plan is best for D, both in matters of predictability, stability, and less conflict between her parents.
XW will want to remove any boundaries that allow you to live a peaceful existence free from her web. You will regret taking down boundaries. It will impact you, your ability to be a good dad to D, and any relationships and relationship partners to come. It will cause you years of stress and anxiety.
You have to remember that and don't drink anyone's kool-aid that your future should be at the whims of XW because of "parenting". Think what is best for you and what is best for D. Any empathy for XW will be like a glass of water poured into a strong wind gust. It will never come back your way, and if it does, you're going to get soaked.
