I do agree I can't let go and taking too much interest in what's happening with them BUT that's got to be expected, this is my W with another man its only natural.
Time will help me but us blokes are very territorial and someone messing with my W obviously hits hard. Taken you comments on the chin will now try to detach my mind now that the body is sorted...
M
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Mark, Those last 2x4s from the wise ones here....wow- I even felt the blow from my own living room, and they weren't even coming to me. I hurt for you having to get them. The truth hurts. And the wise ones are right. You have to let her go.
All that said, there is something I have wanted to say to you all along, and I feel like now is the time.
I know you came here fully believing that limerence was the problem, and that is was a proven fact that it was temporary. That may very well prove to be the case, and for the sake of your love for your W and your hope to one day R, I hope that does turn out to be the case in your situation.
However, I have watched my very close friend for the last 30 years, and I feel I know her heart as well as anyone can know another's. She was married for 20 years, had three beautiful children, and although by all appearances she was in a great marriage, she was never truly satisfied that she had the kind of love that makes your heart flutter when that person walks into the room. She loved her H, and he was good to her. There was no abuse or anything like that. They had money, a great home, a condo at the beach, all the material things. One year for Valentine's Day her H had a men's quartet come to her work and serenade her. One year on Mother's Day, her H drove a new convertible into the drive as her gift. My point is, there was no reason nor justification for what happened later. But I knew, because she would pour her heart out to me, that she had never experienced the kind of love that she knew other people had found.
Until she did. She was not out prowling in bars or anything like that. She was not looking for it. But a man came along who was in an unhappy M of his own, and the way she described it to me, from the minute they shook hands it was like electricity shot up her arm. Something changed in her that day. I knew the minute I sat down with her after that, something was different. It was like she came alive.
Please hear what I am about to say: INFIDELITY IS WRONG. PERIOD. There is NEVER justification for it. If you find the "love of your life" while you are married, and are determined to go with it, there are ways to handle it. Not ideal ways, but certainly better than blowing up lives and just walking out. She did all the wrong things. She left her H, he left his W, and they never looked back. They left a path of hurt in their wake. For a time, I could not even spend time with her, because I watched the destruction she left behind. Over time, we have mended our friendship, because I love her and I am not her judge. I believe life has a way of pay back, and someday she will face her judge, whether in this life or the next.
The whole point of my story comes now. She and her new H are still together, some 10 years later. They are still like newly-weds. I believe I know her heart, as well as anyone can ever really know, but I truly do believe their love is real and that it will last. They have blended their families, her ex-H is remarried, the children all seem fine- with scars, yes, but they love their step-father and he is good to them. They've had weddings, grandchildren, deaths, all the life things, and they've made it work.
I don't know if that started as limerence. From the little bit I know about limerence, it certainly looked that way. But it is as real a love as I've seen. I do not condone it. Please don't get me wrong. But I just felt like, maybe as a soft 2x4, I needed to tell you that story so maybe you are better able to see that your W may not "wake up" or ever come back. You are going to have to believe that if you are ever going to move on and find peace for yourself. Maybe she will, but maybe she won't. And it would be a sad waste for you to spend the next however many years, counting on facts about limerence, statistics, percentages, and research, only to find the years that you could have spent moving on with your life, wasted on waiting for her.
Please know I only post this, hoping to help you out of your stuck place. I'm struggling too, with letting go of hope for my H and a R. But somehow we have to truly let that rope go, in order to heal and move on.
(((((( Mark )))))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Sorry, I just reread it and it sounds way more harsh than I intended! I know you are hurting and that this crap is just miserable to go through so I do apologize for the delivery!
But I just felt like, maybe as a soft 2x4, I needed to tell you that story so maybe you are better able to see that your W may not "wake up" or ever come back.
leahsue,
Wow! If that's a soft 2x4 I'd hate to see your sledge hammer.
Yeah Doodler, Maybe I should have kept that story to myself. The last thing I want to do is bring anyone down. I just saw where I hurt lcause with the story too.
I just don't see how we can heal and find peace if we don't face the fact that some of them aren't coming back, regardless of what we do.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
L....I actually enjoyed your story. Sometimes I feel that way about my W. When she was telling me about wanting a D etc, at times made me feel that no matter what I did she knew something was missing in how I made her feel and that I would never be able to provide it to her. I could be wrong because obviously I did something for 16 years but it could be my reality that I am your friends husband.
We have no choice but to face it because most of them are not coming back. The quicker we accept it the better off we will be IMO.
Going to be honest, that story depressed the hell out of me. Going through boxes searching for the deed of my home. And I found my W poems written on how in love she was with me over the years. Not just lust, but real love and passion. I find this hard to just throw away when I have found messages right after the A on how she loves me. But simply wants to leave the MR.
Your story sounds as if she used her H until something better came along. And I find it hard to believe that she knew this guy was the one from the moment they shook hands. That sounds more like attraction and lust. Now things have worked out for them. But I honestly don't know know if I could be around someone like that who abandoned their family. And yiur good for doing that, especially with yiur currently going through.
But I am curious as to what this friend has to say about your current sitch? Because she has been in H shoes.
Yeah Doodler, Maybe I should have kept that story to myself. The last thing I want to do is bring anyone down. I just saw where I hurt lcause with the story too.
I just don't see how we can heal and find peace if we don't face the fact that some of them aren't coming back, regardless of what we do.
No, please don't take it that way!
It was good that you shared it. As I said, reading it makes the realization more evident. This is exactly what we need. A vast majority of people in our situations will never reconcile.
I do believe that it's quite rare to happen from an affair but that has nothing to do with the possible recon. It's still far more likely the WAS is going to pick someone else after the affair.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Yeah I also liked the story Leahsue. Most of them are not coming back and it's good to have that perspective to be able to detach and find your own life. Reading AS talking about how recons have happened after years have passed sounds comforting, but I don't know if I will be able to stand that long - but each to their own.
I do agree with Tread slightly about the fluttering love thing. I think that to a degree you want that to last forever, but as we all know, love is so much deeper - trust, respect, reliability, comfort, passion etc. That story does sound a bit like limerence gone too long, but good for them if that's what works.
I do want my heart to flutter on occasion, but it's not my primary goal when it comes to love.
I think the fluttering love is what you get when both of you understand the concept of LLs, when you have the proper communication tools and when both of you have your wants fulfilled by the other person. Love is a choice after all and it's easy to keep going in a situation like that.
However, I think it is somewhat rare. It is so hard to keep it going when you have kids, jobs, stress, chores and so on. 50% of the first marriages end in divorces and I'm sure there are more mediocre marriages in that remaining 50% where people just accept and live their lives together. After BD I've been watching others and I don't see THAT many couples who are "limerent" like that after years. Ultimately, I think achieving it requires two people who have done a massive amount of self-reflect and relationship learning. We are all going towards that
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
