How do I get things right?

[Lovelyp]

I suggest you not smother him on these days. Let him lead in the area of affection. You may need to be more transparent on those days, and stay close to home. Don't bring up the subject, or try to get him to talk about his feelings. You can present a picture of contentment. He has to work through some of this in his own way. Keep telling yourself it will eventually pass.

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate your comments

To be completely honest, I am somewhat confused
about how to help, b/c I'm not sure what it is you want. Your initial post made him sound bad, and very hard to live with, but then you switch and make it sound as if things are pretty good. So, I am at a loss. Maybe 25 will more helpful.

To be honest I am confused too. There are days I really felt like leaving and he was shouting and insulting me a lot.
I think so far this is the longest we have gone without him insluting me and calling me names and threaterning divorce. The past few months were hell and I really wanted to leave, the only reason I stayed was I didnt want him to tell my family as we are not that close.
The situation changed when I started DBing and dataching. Before then I had tried everything, apologising and all but then when he starts yelling at me I would also react. What made seem worse was that we were in a vicious cycle and my reaction to his outburts would make things worse because I also felt his treatment contributed to me having the ONS. He only started to communicate after I confessed my ONS/ A but for years he was emotionally distant, not initiating sex and zero affection. After the confession he completely changed and would start to get closer to me but would have days of attacking me and when I wanted a D he would stop the attacks and start bein nice. It was like that since. I think when I started readin here and detachin I manaed to break that cycle.

All the years I was the one initiatin everything (conversation, sex, affection and even suggesting activities etc) with little cooperation from him. The ONS was like a wake up to make him change but we were doing everything wrong. Now he comes home early, wants to see me during lunch (some times he is just quiet though), he likes to understand what makes me happy, what I really like him to do in the relationship. On some days when he is struggling with his thouhts I tried to avoid sex and he really gets worse when I do that. I hope you understand and not confused anymore. Please continue to advise me because it has really improved my marriage so far.

I love him so much but in the past he neglected and hurt me so much. He wouldnt listen to my needs and would try to make me feel like I am not good enough. He would verbally abuse me and disregard my emotional and physical needs (I still hate him for that but when I see the change I forget about that). Now I feel so hurt too by the ONS because I feel the OM took advantage of my vulnerability and even the work assignment he was assisting with he didnt do. it was so clear that he pretended because all he wants was to break my M and sadly I allowed him. I am also feeling pain and guilt at the same time. My H was mistreating me BUT I feel he did not deserve that.

There are days I feel so much pain and I feel that I crossed the line and what I did is unforivable and its easier to just D. Most days I feel good and hopeful about the M now.

You said you don't get enough sex & physical affection. Have you read The Sexually Starved Marriage by MWD?

No not yet. We always used to have sex but except that I had to intitate and he wasnt. He would always comply and I would enjoy but it used to make me feel less desirable that I was the one intitating. I would initiate only because that was the only way I could get so close to him. For now we have sex a lot and he insitiates a lot. I dont know whats causin that but its great but would really like physical affection. He is still lacking in that area

I keep hoping others will jump on the wagon, here, and help you out.

Is there something you are holding back?
Nothing that I am aware of. I know that the ONS was all my fault but I just feel so pained about how he sort of pushed me to that by the way he treated me. For years I put so much in this M trying to make it a happy one. I would buy books and read and try my best and he would just ignore that and continue to hurt me through his words and actions. The problem is his actions or inactions may seem so trivial to others who deal with serious problems but his words made me loose confidence in myself and in a ways caused the ONS.Now he tells me what I did is the worst and he trivialises the pain he caused me for years. I have so much pain, guilt and resentment that I need to deal with.