MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

VENTING SESSION: So today I went for a consultation with a third attorney. She doesn't do litigation, but specializes in collaborative, mediation, and 3-step divorce process. I felt really good about her because she was very thorough about all three of those options. As much as an attorney can, she doesn't seem like she's just trying to make money off this horrible process, which is why she no longer litigates. I can hire her to get through as much of the process as possible, if it looks like H and his L won't budge, she will pass me off to a litigator. That was a new revelation, paperwork was filed for H's new L, which I saw for the first time when she pulled up our case file. I also saw yesterday that H ended up paying the mortgage and ended up hitting for October, since I paid September's when he failed to do so. My guess is his L advised him to make that payment. My heart fell when I saw that he hired a L. BD was 10 weeks ago, PA has moved along so quickly from meeting her family to a weekend trip and taking her to FILs house. Through my own investigative work, I don't believe anything was going on for more than a month before BD. H is very impulsive, so I can see how he could fall so quickly for someone else who is doing all the right things, then move forward with D also quickly. I am just so upset that he is making such rash decisions that will have such long lasting effects on my life and my son's.

That's another thing, even though S is 26, I still worry so much about how this is affecting him. He's told me he's fine, but I know that's not true. How could it not, when you've never had your bio dad in your life and this is the only father you've known?! Spoke to S today and SIL texted him for the first time, but he never responded. He said he doesn't blame her for H's choices, he just didn't know what to say to her and he said he just doesn't want to think about it. Not that he has to think about it 24/7, but saying you don't want to think about it, doesn't seem like you're fine either.

Most likely will hire this L, which I feel as good as I possibly can about this impossibly shitty situation. I know the most important things is to protect myself, but I just feel really helpless at this moment. I kept on feeling like I was holding it together for the most part, but was worried I might be in a little denial and that's why I was holding it together. Denial that he would move forward w/ divorce process since I still haven't been served and he didn't have a L. Now that he has a L (not just a paralegal) I'm sure I'll be served soon. Now that I'm actually dealing with the divorce process, I'm really emotional. Since I have no communication with him, I was just pretending he doesn't exist - out of sight, out of mind. Not easy, but easier than the alternative. I keep on thinking, He's stolen my happy.

I hope my stream of consciousness makes some sense.