Limerence and My Situation 4

[leahsue]

Mark,
Those last 2x4s from the wise ones here....wow- I even felt the blow from my own living room, and they weren't even coming to me. I hurt for you having to get them. The truth hurts. And the wise ones are right. You have to let her go.

All that said, there is something I have wanted to say to you all along, and I feel like now is the time.

I know you came here fully believing that limerence was the problem, and that is was a proven fact that it was temporary. That may very well prove to be the case, and for the sake of your love for your W and your hope to one day R, I hope that does turn out to be the case in your situation.

However, I have watched my very close friend for the last 30 years, and I feel I know her heart as well as anyone can know another's. She was married for 20 years, had three beautiful children, and although by all appearances she was in a great marriage, she was never truly satisfied that she had the kind of love that makes your heart flutter when that person walks into the room. She loved her H, and he was good to her. There was no abuse or anything like that. They had money, a great home, a condo at the beach, all the material things. One year for Valentine's Day her H had a men's quartet come to her work and serenade her. One year on Mother's Day, her H drove a new convertible into the drive as her gift. My point is, there was no reason nor justification for what happened later. But I knew, because she would pour her heart out to me, that she had never experienced the kind of love that she knew other people had found.

Until she did. She was not out prowling in bars or anything like that. She was not looking for it. But a man came along who was in an unhappy M of his own, and the way she described it to me, from the minute they shook hands it was like electricity shot up her arm. Something changed in her that day. I knew the minute I sat down with her after that, something was different. It was like she came alive.

Please hear what I am about to say: INFIDELITY IS WRONG. PERIOD. There is NEVER justification for it. If you find the "love of your life" while you are married, and are determined to go with it, there are ways to handle it. Not ideal ways, but certainly better than blowing up lives and just walking out. She did all the wrong things. She left her H, he left his W, and they never looked back. They left a path of hurt in their wake. For a time, I could not even spend time with her, because I watched the destruction she left behind. Over time, we have mended our friendship, because I love her and I am not her judge. I believe life has a way of pay back, and someday she will face her judge, whether in this life or the next.

The whole point of my story comes now. She and her new H are still together, some 10 years later. They are still like newly-weds. I believe I know her heart, as well as anyone can ever really know, but I truly do believe their love is real and that it will last. They have blended their families, her ex-H is remarried, the children all seem fine- with scars, yes, but they love their step-father and he is good to them. They've had weddings, grandchildren, deaths, all the life things, and they've made it work.

I don't know if that started as limerence. From the little bit I know about limerence, it certainly looked that way. But it is as real a love as I've seen. I do not condone it. Please don't get me wrong. But I just felt like, maybe as a soft 2x4, I needed to tell you that story so maybe you are better able to see that your W may not "wake up" or ever come back. You are going to have to believe that if you are ever going to move on and find peace for yourself. Maybe she will, but maybe she won't. And it would be a sad waste for you to spend the next however many years, counting on facts about limerence, statistics, percentages, and research, only to find the years that you could have spent moving on with your life, wasted on waiting for her.

Please know I only post this, hoping to help you out of your stuck place. I'm struggling too, with letting go of hope for my H and a R. But somehow we have to truly let that rope go, in order to heal and move on.

(((((( Mark )))))))