Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Holding]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I needed a good reality check on this one. Now I need another.

On the trust issue, her position seems to be that I've been keeping secrets from her by not telling her where I'm going and who I'm with. There's also the legal side, which I refuse to discuss with her without the presence of Ls. Other than that, I don't care too much whether she trusts me - she's the one who has to work to get trust back. I know I'm a person of integrity.

I had my IC yesterday, and we spent almost the whole time talking about this conversation from 2 nights ago. IC suggested that STBXW needs to be the one to show a big sign here (like Acc suggested), not drop little hints and expect me to do the work. She suggested I remain guarded, but open to further communications with STBXW.

When STBXW got home last night, she seemed different. She said hi and asked me how my day was. She was more conversational. She ate dinner with me and the boys. I tried to be accommodating and pleasant. The mood in the house was noticeably different. She asked if we could talk again after dinner, and I said yes. I'll admit that I thought all this might be a positive sign. I tried to keep my expectations in check.

She came in the MBR and this time laid on the bed where she used to sleep. She rolled on her side and faced me. She asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about. I told her I thought she wanted to talk; I didn't really have much to bring up, but was open to letting her take the lead.

She asked when I thought we could do mediation. This was not what I was expecting to hear, but I tried to play it cool. I told her, probably in the middle of next month. She said she was hoping we could do it sooner.

She asked how I would feel if she moved out. I told her she could if she wanted to. She said the tension in the house between us has been very uncomfortable for her, until the conversation we had the night before. I agreed. I think she was expecting me to try to talk her out of it.

I told her she didn't seem confused like she had the night before. She reiterated that she was confused. She told me I've done nothing in the past 3 months to show her that I wanted our R. She said I've been distant and cold. I told her I've come to accept what appears inevitable. I said she is the one who filed, she is the one who's lawyer is moving the case forward. I said I've seen no signs from her that she's not 100% full-steam ahead on this.

We just both paused for a minute. Then she said she was going to put in an offer on a house, and she wanted to know if I'd be willing to sign a paper saying I wouldn't try to claim the house if it closes before the D is final. I told her I needed to think about this and talk to my L. I asked if she was planning on using her retirement funds to help with the purchase of the house, and she said I needed to talk to my L about that.

She asked what my plans for the house were. I told her I didn't know. She asked for more details, and I said I didn't want to talk about it. I also asked her not to ask me again. She asked why and I said I didn't need to give her a reason.

She tried asking more, telling me that she didn't care if I wanted to keep the house, that she just needed to know to plan for the future. I told her I didn't want to talk any more and wanted to go to bed. She left the room.

This morning I was angry. There were some tears. I realized the big talk the day before was probably just to soften me up for the her own purposes. On my way out of the house, STBXW asked me to let her know what's going on with my car. I said OK. She told me "have a good day" as I walked past her. I replied "you too". But when I said it I was angry, and it probably came out in my voice.

I am SO ANGRY right now. I feel manipulated. I'm really upset with myself for even entertaining the thought of taking her back. Though there may be some real confusion in her, I think this was all just a ploy to use me for her purposes. Now she may even be using funds I'm entitled to to buy a new house, and she actually wants me to sign my rights away. Unbelievable. I'm tired of being the oil for her gears.

It's like she's playing chicken with me. Waiting for me to flinch. But this whole thing has just hardened my resolve. It's given me a little anger back, when my anger was really on its way out.

The thing is, I know better. In Chris's thread, I've seen his W play the same games with him. And I've seen Henwen's H make moves to open the lines of communication and try to get along, only to really move the D forward.