Limerence and My Situation 4

[Parkema]

Forth thread..!




http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2756921#Post2756921

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Thought I’d post now as my situation seems to be steadying off and all our lives (WW, Me and S10 & S8) seem to be falling into some sort of normality!

DR’ing now is becoming more and more a way of life for me and as time goes by the interaction with WW and I are minimal to say the least. We still share custody of the boys 50:50 and still want to be a part of their lives as much as possible and it’s here where the face-to-face interaction comes in.

With all the A issues now seemingly falling into routine I’m looking at myself and where I fell down in the MR! One thing this forum allows for is journaling without actually journaling and I’ve started to re-cap on my previous posts to see how I’ve changed throughout this journey so far.
As suggested in the DR book I don’t talk to my WW and have had no discussions regarding my “failings” I find it difficult to pinpoint any issues so have decided to take a step back and look at the day-today interactions we used to have and see if anything jumps out.

1. Mr Nice Guy – I can see where for example I basically allowed WW to run the household, my Father died when I was 7 and I was brought up by my two Sisters and Mother. I can see this now where I would allow WW to discipline the boys and basically be the “nasty” parent! She would be in charge of the finances and do all the shopping and needs for the family.
2. I put her on a pedestal – I basically did almost everything for her! We both work full time but I am able to manage myself regarding time and was always home from work before her (can see why now, AP is a co-worker). I would do all the household chores cleaning, cooking, DIY, gardening and looking after the boys you name it! This would also fall into the classification of being a MNG.
3. Cold and distant – I see now that the nagging from my WW was a sign for help but I shied away from conflict (MNG) and this in turn showed her a lack of emotional connection.
4. Intimacy – Although we had S regularly (at least weekly) I didn’t show her those traits more important for a woman! I understand now that it’s not about the S so much but the holding of hands, the cuddling and so on! Not my best subject…
5. Controlling – I suppose I needed to know/understand what we were to be doing down to the minute when we were if you like GAL’ing together, If I felt out of my comfort zone I would basically rebel and not do something which my WW really wanted us to do together.
6. Taking WW for granted – We had issues with S7 at the time where he would not go to his own bed and instead sleep in the marital bed. WW would sort the boys out at bed time whilst I go to my “man-cave”, she would then be left alone each night and just go to bed herself! I would then go to bed and remove S7 now asleep, this as you can imagine had an impact with our R…

Looking at the above points I can see why WW did/continues to do what she has, I was not the best H but don’t condone her actions.

At least this ^^^^^^ gives me something to work on for whatever the next chapter in my life throws at me the question is now how can I show improvement…

Thanks for reading.

Mark.

[MoveFrwd]

Mark - a good list of self reflection. Now, how can you turn that into goals for you going forward?

Also, with regards to 4, one thing I've learned is this key difference between men and women. Men use sex to feel closer to their partner. Women need to feel close to want to have sex. so I would always push my XW to have sex to gain that emotional connection but she wasn't interested in sex because we didn't have that emotional connection.

In your words above, you say that holding hands/cuddling is what builds the connection. I believe that it's the speaking of your partners LL which is what builds it. So if your partner's primary LL is physical touch, then sure, those are great ways. But if your partner's primary LL is something else, then you may do better focusing there.

[Parkema]

Hi Kaizen,

I really struggle trying to put goals to the list! I understand they need to be action orientated but with my WW no longer available to me it gives me an extremely short window to demonstrate the changes to her.

To create a list of goals for me to change is easier and its maybe here I could/should focus on, I’ll look at this and post when I have the time. I feel this must be the way to go now as RC is basically fast becoming a pipedream and I really need to realise that the future does not include WW any more. So the goals will be about making me a better “future” partner.

Thanks for your time.

Mark.

[Parkema]

Hello All,

Just thought I’d throw this out there.

WW last night sent me a Whatsapp photo of a parents evening appointment coming up and text me to say she’d done it, I DR’ing never responded to the text.
This morning my boys needed to inform their school of when to expect me and whilst I was FaceTiming them WW asked if I could respond as S8 was concerned that this had not been sorted for him, S8 has some vulnerability issues about him and whittles a lot if he feel out of control.

Anyway I stated the time and realised WW would be away with AP/LO on their romantic 4-night's away which she keeps reminding me of. Anyway as I was talking via FaceTime I thought I overheard her mention to S8 that she is now Miss maiden name and no longer Mrs my name.
This amazes me as she didn’t want to have a different name to those of her children, what does this say about her mind set now?
I again have a niggling feeling that the detachment I’m so much better at is counter-productive in my situation. Does anybody feel that due to us BS detaching the WS gives up hope for RC and instead spends more energies trying to make a success of the A and see it as their only solution..?

MWD would suggest if it doesn’t work do something else…

Mark.

[Btrow]

I again have a niggling feeling that the detachment I’m so much better at is counter-productive in my situation. Does anybody feel that due to us BS detaching the WS gives up hope for RC and instead spends more energies trying to make a success of the A and see it as their only solution..?

I have never heard of or read about any WS hoping for recon whole they were in an ongoing A (or a now "genuine" relationship with OP). The only one here holding on to hope for recon right now, is you Mark. The only solution for her is the new relationship and that is all that is on her mind. If she hoped for a recon, all she would have to do is ask, right?

[Rose888]

You have spent more time attached than detached. And your wife continued to deepen the affair while you were attached too.

You could DB perfectly and your wife wouldn't necessarily return. There are no guarantees. I wouldn't evaluate your approach based on whether your wife ends the affair. Think smaller. Are your interactions smoother? Do you feel happier than you did? Do you feel better about the example you are setting for your kids.

DB is about giving your M the best chance of success, but your wife still has choice.

And it's not uncommon for people's opinions on names to change. If I had to do it over again, I would keep my maiden name, and it's not a reflection of my feelings for my kids (or my spouse).

[SJW]

Hi Mark

Forgive me but I'm going to be blunt. WS has no intention of RC, she is in A and to her that is exactly where she wants to be. You need to take all focus off her, stop trying to second guess what response your actions or lack of will obtain from her and do what you want to do. Easy to say I know but you have to make this about you, as long as you continue down this path you will torture yourself.

Detach, GAL focus on you and your boys and continuing to be the best Dad for them. She will notice and IF at some point in the future she decides she to consider RC you deal with that then.

Stay strong
SJ x

[Parkema]

Hi All,

Detaching and the DR’ing is going really well and to be honest I’m in a relatively good place at the moment.
What I think I’m struggling with is more mental, if I don’t truly do the DR’ing for me I’m playing games and she’ll see right through it. To be honest there’s not much chance of RC there’s too many things in the way of that so must get in the right mind set here and do everything for the boys and I and let them get on with it.

But on the flip side I wont be beaten and give in without a fight, rock and hard place comes to mind!!!

Just continue to DR and realise that my life now doesn't have WW part of it.

Thanks.

M.

[AnotherStander]

WW last night sent me a Whatsapp photo of a parents evening appointment coming up and text me to say she’d done it, I DR’ing never responded to the text.

The DB'ing approach is to not -initiate- contact, but if she sends you a message, especially regarding the kids, it's fine to reply.

Anyway I stated the time and realised WW would be away with AP/LO on their romantic 4-night's away which she keeps reminding me of.

Park, I've noticed that whenever you refer to something your W is doing with OM it's always couched in terms like that. Why would you describe it as "romantic"? Why wouldn't you just say "they'll be out of town then"? I just sense a lot of jealousy and anger on your part regarding OM, which I get, but I don't think you're serving yourself well by romanticizing her activities with OM. Try to think and talk about it like it's some mundane task, not a party on a beach somewhere with fruity drinks with tiny umbrellas in them.

I thought I overheard her mention to S8 that she is now Miss maiden name and no longer Mrs my name.
This amazes me as she didn’t want to have a different name to those of her children, what does this say about her mind set now?

Has nothing to do with the kids, she is done with YOU. That's what that says. Maybe that'll change some day but for now that's where she is.

I again have a niggling feeling that the detachment I’m so much better at is counter-productive in my situation. Does anybody feel that due to us BS detaching the WS gives up hope for RC and instead spends more energies trying to make a success of the A and see it as their only solution..?

Well first of all you've never really detached. You come here talking proudly about dropping the rope while behind your back where you think no one can see you've got a deathgrip on it. That's normal, we all did it. But the sooner you realize you're doing it, the sooner you can get about the business of truly DB'ing.

Second of all, please accept that your W is 100% done with you right now. There is no chance of recon anytime soon. She is not sitting there thinking "wow, look at Park getting a life, I guess there's no chance with him so now I suppose I'm stuck with OM." You are not even on her radar except as a nuisance she has to deal with because you share kids together. I hate to be so blunt but your biggest struggle right now is YOU. You cannot seem to let go of her, and it's preventing you from getting where you need to go. A year from now who knows, maybe she'll be open to recon. But for now it's over and you've got to accept that and go about putting your life in order.