Any Advice 2

[gw5263]

25, i agree. I was not and hever never been verbally or physically abusive towards my wife. Looking back now with a clear mind, I can see the emoitionally abusive aspect. All she wanted was love , and i failed to show it. I denied sex, i did not show affection, I basically made her feell inferior, unloved, and unwanted. All this because i had an issue with alcohol abuse. I can see it clearly now that i am sober. I made the conditons ripe for this to happen. She made the choice, but i created the environment.

When we first fell in love, I was funny, outgoing, loved to spend every free minute with her. She was the first woman i ever fell in love with. I was new to the whole affection sharing, what to do type stuff. My parents never showed affection towards each other for as long as i can remember. Both of them cheated on each other. No kissing, hugging, hand holding, etc. Its no excuse, but i didnt have very good role models in that dept. My wife showed me the way, she told me what she wanted and needed and i went out of the way to provide it. Problems surface when i started self medicating PTSD with alcohol heavy late last year. Up till then we were good. Great sex life, good communication, etc. No excuse for it. PTSD is not an excuse. I just couldnt talk about the traumas i had seen and a good buzz made it go away. Unfortunatley it also made her go away. I have been clean for about 94 days now and have been making changes and trying to continually improve.

Even all of the things that have happened since i discovered the A have not caused me to stray from the path. As you have seen, i have struggled hard with my emotions, and at some points during all this i actually felt like i was losing my mind. I came up with hairbrained Wile E Coyote schems to get her back, to get him to dump her, Etc. With everything you and Sandi have been telling me, i ahve come to this realization -

OM is not the problem, my wife and I are. I created the issues we were having, she failed to communicate the issues to me, I created an evironment ripe for this to happen, and she made the decision to pursue it. A lot of negative things have been said, threats on both our parts to divorce, turn the OM in and ruin his life, take the kids and move in with OM only allowing me to see them every summer, plaing the guilt card ( Me mostly) to name a few.

Funny thing is, about a week after the alcohol fog lifted, i felt like i was going to explode with emotions. I told her how i felt- madly in love with her,how i knew the day i met her i loved her, how the day we got married i knew she was the only woman i would ever love, wanting to spend time together cuddling on the couch watching TV, hold her hand while we shopped. Random for no reason other than i loved her kisses while she was cooking, holding her while we slept, on and on.
She bagan to sob uncontrollably and said why couldnt you have been like this in october? I felt like a total POS. I realized then what i had done. Now i want to make up for all the shortcoming s i have had. I have gotten some balance in the last week and think i now have the rogue emotions and thoughts under control

For whatever reason, we are getting along great. She smiles more, laughs more, talks more. I know what you are going to say, I need to detach. I will admit my fear here, If i detach too much will it not be seen as more of the same? No attention etc? And yes, in the time i have been on here, i have been all over the place. I am settled now and want to put in whatever work is needed to accomplish the mission.

BTW, I read Sandis original post, and all her posts for the LBS again. twice today. I am very impressed by her struggle and will power. I can only hope i can be as dedicated as her.

25, any ideas on how to begin detachment with out looking neglectful, like i was before? I dont want her to think i have gone back to that person. One of her fears is that i would start drinking again due to all this, but i havent yeilded. I see the damage it has done and have no desire to return to that life. Now i wish she could see how much she means to me and how much i love her. I did tell her during this that i did not NEED her for anything, I did not NEED her in my life, that anyone can fill needs. I wanted her in my life, i wanted to love her, i wanted to kiss her, i wanted to grow old with her, I wanted to make love to her, and i wanted to return to our family. She seemed genuinely taken by that. It is how i feel. I know she doesnt love me right now, or have those feeling for me either. they are all attached to OM. I dont need those feeling from her, I WANT them again. I want us again.

Maybe im screwing all this up, or have screwed it all up. But i am strong, and patient, and will try until i cant any more. I have listened to you and some others i have viewed as mentors, even though it seems like i ignored what you had to say, i took it all in, and today i did it again. I reread everything to try and gain some clarity. I see what must be done, and thankfully none of you have given up on me yet. Please don't ! I can do this. Just need to get it rolling before its too late.

Thanks,for your time and patience. Gary.