Lost on how to save my marriage! 3

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Helping out with the boys and around the house is a def 180. My wife told me after BD that the relationship I have with our boys are a complete turn off for her. I have worked really hard to improve my son and I relationship. Being in the military I have been gone way too much.

as a veteran myself, and the wife of one, I don't think there's any doubt that you were gone too much. I get it, and we served and that is that. But it's extremely easy to assume our spouses "knew" we were in the military & THEREFORE they have no right to want their needs and love languages ever filled.




My wife hates that the boys relied on her and only her and never came to me for nothing. So I have also worked to tell my boys they can come to me for anything.


Yay, good improvement, !!

so now maybe you can simply invite them rather than putting the onus on them, and do what they are interested in, too. My h's not seen our kids in a year. No excuses. And when he does contact them, which I hope happens, I'd bet that he will invite them to join him on something HE enjoys doing.

That^^ is better than nothing, but geez, he won't get to know them. HE's inviting them to get to know him, you know?

Just food for thought.


I never asked her did she see my changes. She told me that on her own accord.

excellent

Me being in the military, I really got too reliant on my wife to take care of our home and boys.

yes, she was the touchstone for you to do what you do. Not saying you are like my h, okay? But in my marriage, eventually it pretty much became all about how to support h and I did that, a lot. We "fit into" HIS world, rather than the reverse.

Now it seems h regrets that OR he misses the kids not looking up at him and not delight in his presence. Frankly, he created a lot of alienation in the family b/c he was gone a lot.

Then when he sensed the alienation he created, he resented it, in some ways he resented them (or blames me for the wedge he drove between them). I can say in all fairness, he's just wrong on this. I did a lot of intense work to keep the kids close to them, but at some point they saw reality before I did.



My wife told me I embarrassed her in public,

ouch. I'm sorry. Do you recall the event?




I didn't help out with the boys, I embarrassed her in front her father, I allowed her to do too many of the manly things. I didn't value her, I took her for granted, and I broke her. (I was an [censored]/Jerk). With my wife, and I was very impatient with my wife and boys. I have worked very hard on changing my impatient ways. And now my boys are coming to me and I don't get upset with the small things.


this ^^ is a lot to work with, so how are you approaching it?

I'm also going to get tested for PTSD. I slept on my couch by myself for years because I didn't want My Wife to see me venerable, waking up on cold sweats and bad dreams. I didn't allow her in that world before BD.


how are you doing that, now? Are you seeing a professional? ( I ask b/c I don't know people who have the tools to address this.)


I hope they are baby steps. I will continue walking my path.

baby steps are still steps. The "math" of this is

consistent change + sufficient time = change that can be believed (and be last)