Finding my way out of the dark - Part 4

[Holding]

Hey JoeJoe, no I didn't manage to smile and ask her about her weekend. I just don't think I can pull off the smile and have it come off as sincere. I'm not a master at that like you are. I was thinking about asking her about the weekend, but I didn't have an opportunity since the questioning about the car really put things in a different mood. But the next day I did ask her how her knee scan at the doctor's went. So she stopped for just a minute to tell me about it.

SOMETHING BIG (maybe)

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I'm dealing with car issues, and to top it off STBXW and I had a disagreement once again about shared finances. Looking through our bank statements, I was suddenly hit with all this emotion about everything. So I was honestly in a pretty foul mood last night. She asked me what was wrong and I said I was frustrated with the car sitch. She told me she was sorry I was going through it. I thanked her for her sympathy.

She asked me if we could talk, and she joined me in the MBR. We talked for over an hour. Big-time temp check. I think I need some advice...

She started out sitting in a chair while I sat on the bed. She told me she's conflicted about what she's doing. She has doubts, and she's felt this way ever since she told me she wanted the D, back in July. She wanted to talk to me sooner, but could tell I wasn't interested in talking to her. She said her L (who is also her friend) told her it wasn't too late to stop this. And a female friend asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this.

She ran through the problems in our M and why she came to feel the way she did. I listened and validated. She talked about her feelings. I validated and said I was feeling a lot of the same things. She asked me why I did what I did in the MR (being emotionally distant, which she described as emotional abuse). I talked about how I was hurt as well. Through this while convo, she was vulnerable. She cried and said this wasn't easy. I told her I understood; I'm sure it's rough.

She said she got off Facebook, because she kept getting hit on by all these guys, plus she was upset after everyone in my family unfriended her. The fact that she dropped FB came as a total shock to me, since she's always enjoyed that attention and praise so much. It honestly made me wonder if she's making some worthwhile changes.

I mentioned I went to lunch with a female coworker (she's married) who also told me about getting messages from random guys on FB, and how prevalent that is. STBXW said I could take her out to lunch some time. I said I'd think about it, and I'm sure I made a surprised face too.

She told me about her weekend out of town from a couple of weeks ago - seeing her family, hanging out with old friends, getting drunk and throwing up. I laughed, because there were genuinely funny parts. She got animated and her mood really improved.

I said I felt like I was talking to my old W, the person I used to know, for the first time since BD. I thanked her for sharing that view of herself with me. She said she missed her best friend (me), and being able to talk to me. I told her I missed that too.

She said she felt like she was sharing, and I wasn't. I could tell she wanted to know about last weekend, but I didn't tell her. I talked about how work's been going, how I'm trying out some new projects to get out of my comfort zone. I told her about my second time skydiving, which she didn't know about. She asked me if I would have ever changed if she hadn't mentioned D. I told her I wasn't sure.

We talked about how couples get back together, I can't remember how we got on the topic. I told her I've read that it's hard work, requiring commitment from both people, IC for both, MC, and plenty of time. She just kinda listened.

She asked me if I think we can ever be friends. I said maybe, since we'll be seeing each other probably for the rest of our lives (because of the kids). She mentioned 2 different women she knows who were divorced and ended up back together with their exes. She moved to the bed and laid at the foot of it.

She asked me what books I've been reading, since she's seen me reading. I told her about the NG book and codependency book. She asked if was codependent in our M, and I said I think I was, that I looked to her for my sense of worth and value.

She asked if I could ever trust her again. I told her maybe. When I asked her the same thing, she didn't really answer, but said she doesn't trust me at all right now.

She was starting to get tired. She asked if I ever think about my life being good after the D, like if I look forward to it. I said sometimes. Once I said that, she said "that's what I needed to know." Her mood changed.

She got up and asked if she could use the garden tub in the master bath. I told her yes. I left the room to go do something else while she took a bath. After her bath, she asked if she could use the tub again some other time, and I said yes, as long as she respects my privacy and knocks before coming in.

Then she said "Holding, a while back you told me my heart was somewhere else, with someone else. But this whole time my heart's been stuck behind a rock and chained to a wall. But I think your heart has moved on." She dropped that last part like a bomb, and then walked out of the room. As she walked away, I said "You're wrong."

So what do I make of this? Well, I think I did some things very well, and other things very poorly. Here's my take: She's about to be 100% committed to the D, and wanted to deal with some lingering feelings. But it's tempting to see here a possible change of heart - not a 180 from her, but maybe the start of a slow U turn.

Any advice, fellow DBers?