H wants to completely forget about it draw a line under his 'mistake' and work on a future for us. I need to know every single detail so I can process it deal with it and move to the next stage whatever that may be. He doesn't understand this and asks why I want to torture myself.
It is normal in recon for the WAS to just want to sweep it all under the rug and for the LBS to want to know all the sordid details. Like you said, knowing is better than imagining. But he feels like sharing the details is akin to having an A all over again, so you need to find a way to strike a balance there- accept that he's not going to tell you everything, believe that if he did the details are probably more mundane than you are imagining, and instead focus on moving forward with whatever boundaries you may need for that (such as him disclosing whenever he is doing something outside the M, and giving you access to his phone and email).
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...and saying I know you have only left me to be with your kids and W is part of that package. I am devastated about the diary (which conveniently he threw away) but also the fact that he clearly hasn't told her straight that he doesn't want to be with her he has used the kids as an excuse.
Don't you see the irony here? He doesn't want to share details with you, but you tell him you want to know because imagination is worse than reality, but then here he is sharing a detail with you and you flip out and shout at him about it. NO MATTER WHAT HE TELLS YOU, YOU ARE GOING TO INTERPRET IT IN THE WORSE POSSIBLE WAY. And that is exactly the issue. Personally I read this and I think that's a huge step forward, not only did he tell her he's done with her but he sent you evidence of the conversation. It's OK to let him know you are upset, but it should be in a productive way- "H I admit that does upset me but I am glad you shared this with me, thank you."
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I lost it with him on the phone last night and haven't heard from him this morning apart from him ringing our S as he was going on a school trip.
My suggestion is to apologize to him. "I'm sorry I overreacted, I do appreciate you sharing things with me even though it sometimes upsets me. I will try to control my reactions when you share things in the future."
