Rebuilding my life #2

[lcause]

I'm sorry if I seem like someone who is refusing to understand your message. I definitely do value your input and that's not my intention. I just start to analyze my own situation based on your message each time so please take it as that you are helping me by making me realise it more and more.

I didn't mean it as if I'd be using someone to have an effect. Just that it feels like she thinks we're all happy in this circle and I stay always as a friend or this "babysitter". Of course not. Sooner or later the communication turns only into all related about kids and I'm definitely not going to go there to play with them, but take them with me. Because each and every time my XW comes there as well and talks to me, answers for my D instead of letting D answer herself, sharing stories etc. What's up with that? I want to be with my kids, I have zero interest in you... I don't want your food, I can cook my own. Etc.

I am sorry for you. You have gone through a lot of pain. I admire you how strong you are. Especially that you are helping others while having your own issues. Thank you.

I don't think I've been THIS bad always. I've always been insecure but when we met I was still really believing in my future. I have always been the one who is expected to be succesfull in my family (only one with uni degree, just generally could understand things without really studying) yet I let everyone down. Expectations suck. Yes, I can't just seem to snap out of it. This is where my CBT is mostly related. I have to find ways to enjoy of what I'm doing for myself rather than always thinking of what others would appreciate in me. I don't know where this stems from. Maybe my parents weren't affectionate enough but that just seems odd. Also we are trying to target my thoughts of things beforehand and try to get me to experience and do things so I'll notice it's not as bad as I thought beforehand. However this is just hard for me.

I don't have family members who are depressed. My brother is kind of - he only plays games the entire day. Sleeps till 2-3pm and only visits some friends every now and then. He has an illness (IBD) that prevents him from doing work he studied for. He left his long term R to play more games and lives again at my parents at the age of 25. He's studying something now though at evenings.

I'm all for ECT but again it's not done so easily in my country. I don't have money to go to the private sector.

I will be fine though. I know it. This is just a part of my life and it'll pass. For the first time in ages I slept well last night. 8 hours straight.

(((( ))))