24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[Irish M]

Hi Everyone.
Wow I didn't expect such a response. Only one I didn't hear from was by buddy Cali.

I just want to say thank you and all your responses make sense. I'll try to be brief in my reply. Here it goes..

25Yr, I'm sorry it seemed like my XW takes up alot of space in my head. She actually doesn't. Little pockets here and there but that is mostly related to the girls. This father can't turn a blind eye to their hurt.

As for the funeral. It is in the past now. I don't regret not going and I know the girls are glad they avoided that circus. Sorry to put it that way but that family has given us 0 support and no contact from any of them. Xfil was the only one. I reached out to him. His ashes will be buried this weekend. We will visit the site in a few weeks.

Sotto.
I hear you loud and clear even with your soft tone. I said what I said to XW and I have zero regrets. I needed to get it off my chest and it feels great. I move forward :-)
If XW takes it bad, nothing I can do. It's the truth. Hopefully one day it will register and she does something about it.

All JMHO of course and I too ache for your girls - and for your XW in fact. She has made choices that have led to great losses for her and I don't think she has the tools and resources to get her life back on a healthier track at this point.

I agree. long way off and I doubt she has those tools in her back pocket. It's tragic for everyone. How xMIL can not see the damage she caused and her daughter repeating it.. it`s just horrible parenting. She actually said to me. "Let XW go through this , I did and turned out just fine" .. crazy talk and no you didn't turn out just fine.

Hi Ownit

Sorry if it comes across as me in the middle. No where have I told the girls don't go.
I supported their choice. There was no way i would force them into going to see her family after 2 yrs of nothing. Not even a card at Xmas. We were cut off. XW sister is the god mother of D17. Nada from her since August 2015

What I do is love my girls. Educate them with books and specialist when needed. Talk about it openly. Never disrespecting their mom. Often i say "girls she's not well, she doesn't see the hurt she has caused." They reply. Dad, enough of the not well mother. She is gone and I want nothing to do with her. But I do see they have an opening for her. They do know she is not well. With that I have hope if XW does the work, that road is paved. I won't force it upon them. I will however be there for them and support their choices.

Regardless of whether she deserved it or not, she does not deserve your energy, your passion, your heartache, your supply, whatever one can call it. This woman is mentally ill. No sane mother would do as she has done. Men do this stuff every day. Women do not. Not in the same numbers.

No she doesn`t deserve my energy. Nor does she deserve my pity at this point. If I slip it`s because Irish needs it. I move on very fast after and I don`t dwell on what i say or do. What she does with it is up to her.


Hi Rd

I cant put the right words to text after reading your post RD. really touched.
Thank you so much for your support. Now to dry my eyes.

Having made my position very clear ( i hope ) your message to EXW was attacking her and while part of me applauds you, part of me thinks you are still attached. In my sitch i answer every message very briefly and move on with my day. Am i tempted to let her have both barrells from time to time , of course but heres a secret between me and you. How much more does it hurt her that i wont engage, my belief is lots. So passive aggressive maybe but i still dont give it a thought once message is gone.
Your EXW is the victim ( in her mind ) and nothing will shift her mindset until she ( if ever ) accepts otherwise.

Yes, i agree. no reply and move on. But it felt good and I`m done with it. Will I ever say something similar again. Depends. Will I go on and on with her and like you so well put it let her have both barrels. No. Its not needed and it will do no one any good. No nothing will shift her mindset and It wasn`t my goal. I`m just tired of being so nice to her.

How things with the GF ???

Things are going good. Slow but good. There is no other way to do this. The girls choose when they want to tag along and when they don`t. This weekend we are doing a nice trip to the states. All 5 of us.

I do focus on the girls and give them as much time with me alone as they need. I think I found the right balance. My Gf does find it hard sometimes but when she sees the results we have compared to blended families that were forced into it.. she is so happy we are doing it this way.

Hi Bttrfly

yes , I got my Irish character out. It`s rare i would say something like that to anyone. It just fit the moment.

I know the girls were in counseling. Are they still? Can you have a conversation with a medical professional about their DNA concerns? Maybe there's someone who can talk with them and assure them? If it is a hormonal issue, as long as they are monitored they can get through it just fine. Modern medicine is an amazing thing. Yes, that's your herbal friend talking, and I believe it too.

Yes and no. It is a on need basis. Also they are reading still on crisis kids, communication, loving oneself. Huge support from my family. I try to have them do volunteer work twice a year.
They do talk to me and very openly about all that life throws at them. Yes, even boys. Sometimes they are out back with their girlfriends. they ask me to join them and all the kids open up. Its nice to see the support group they have, also to include me, I guess the fire pit and smores has a lot to do with it.

it must be torture for you not to be able to fix this for them, calm their fears, help them feel safe again.

Hardest part of this is just that.


Hi Peace

thanks for this peace

Accepting Life, people and places exactly as they are-

sometimes for me, it requires time journaling, therapy ,reading, talking, tears-
not easy, but for me it works because when I get to the other side I see things different
and the more I can change my perception to see the good even in what seems Bad-Im making progress-Its Gods world not mine

I am the same. It needs to be processed and not rushed through. I do have bubbles of anger but as time goes on he y are short lived. XW, she will have her own demons to manage when the time is right. i won`t be watching. Each day, week, month and year brings me closer to peace within my self.

again, i may slip but I don`t fall.

Hi Wonka

your story and the depth you go into it is heartbreaking. You calling your mother after a fight with your dad. I expect that often from my girls. I can be fun dad but i do have rules. Rules they need to respect. As I respect their own rules they might put onto me one day. Some days with D15, simple things like me taking away her cell phone so she can get a good night sleep or study. She hates it. Says i treat her like a baby No freedom. Her grades slip and she loses it for a week. I sometimes think this is it. She will Call mom. They never do. And they have access to her. Work cell, home phone address, Facebook, Instagram, email. So many ways. It`s not that I tell them don`t , they chose not to. They know Xw is not herself and not well. I truly believe XW avoids them to protect them. XW moved out of OM house. They are still together as couple. The girls don`t want any part of that life.

What are you going to do from THIS moment and on, Irish?

What kind of man do you want to be, Irish?

What kind of lessons do you want to pass on to your girls, Irish?

What kind of example do you want to set for yourself and the girls, Irish?

My answers are bundled up in this paragraph.
I am going to continue to be the dad i was since the day they were born. To love them, respect them, to help them grow into loving, caring adults. I will be the strength that they feed on to make it through all this. I will show XW compassion if she uses the tools to get back to the girls lives. I understand MLC. She didn't choose this. Like someone with Parkinson or bipolar. If ever she asks me for help. I will help. If the girls ask me to help, I will help. Lessons, I hope they learn patience and strength. That life throws you rocks, you just need to slow down, see where they fall and walk around them. No need to run towards them, you get hit.

i hope that answers your questions . And thank you for all you have done for me here. You are a big part of why I am where I am in this MLC/LBS world.


Hi Mirage

I'm not perfect with the handling of my EXW. None of us are. I still throw a truth dart out now and then expecially if I am in a fiesty mood. Fiestyness makes me feel alive as this is a journey to be lived and not on the sidelines.

It felt good and I am past it. Whats funny is I never used that expression before in my life. It just seemed like the right thing to say on her no movement in connecting with the girls.

Hi Brubeck

Yeah, you blew your top. I understand. Step back and learn. I understand you being tired of playing by her rules, especially when her rules don't make sense because they're changing all the time.

Funny you say that. They change ever so much. One end of the spectrum to another. And if we did come to a place where we all talked. Her story will change or she will deny all that she said. Shes far off still.

As for the funeral stuff, after everything your D's have said about XW, I wouldn't try to drag 2 teenage girls to a funeral proceeding if they don't want to. While it feels admirable to give this advice to someone else, the idea that to prove "we are the bigger people and we'll put this aside for the time being" is easier said than done. They don't want to see her.

If it was just not seeing her I could arrange a private moment before the service. But it was the entire family. Zero connection. I personally only met his brothers twice. That whole side. MIL and FIL, we had no connection to them. They are a lost family.

My side however. I can`t keep them away. lol Aunts, uncles, brothers. Love them all by the way and they all know my girls.


Hi Job

great hearing from you. I know how busy you are here.

As for that comments about waiting until the girls are 30, she is as nutty as a fruit cake. She's just lashing out and saying whatever comes to mind. She is no where near acknowledging what she's done or facing the consequences of her actions. It's still all about her, her feelings and what she wants. She's still very selfish and until she starts to grow up, she'll remain that way. Remember...you can't rationalize w/an irrational person. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. They need to hit bottom very, very hard and then they have to decide whether to stay there or want to rise to the top and live life to the fullest.

irrational crazy. yup. But I am at a point where i don`t need to PG-13 my texts . I won`t go off on her but if i hear something that is just plain nuts, more than before.. i might reply my thoughts in a simple one line comment. That waiting until 30 ... was way too much. D15 was 12 when this happened. So 18 years is her schedule to reconnect. my god. lol

thanks gain for your support.