Hi Sandi - Thanks for circling back. This was actually the part that led to my question:
Quote:
I tell you this b/c I feel sorry for guys I see working so hard to change, thinking it will get back the W. Whether they admit it or not, I believe that's the real intent for their changes..at least, initially. So, go ahead and improve, but don't think that's going to change her.
This was in the context of resentments and WWs. Assuming the W has stated resentments, and continues to harbor them, it seemed like you were saying that under those specific circumstances, it's kind of hopeless for the situation to turn around, and even though a H can make changes, it ultimately won't matter to the W or the R.
I think I'm reading 2 things into this: 1) DBing at its core seems to be about changing yourself, your approach to your life and the R, taking personal responsibility and accountability and making yourself the best person you can be. That in turn may result in your W or WW to pause/take notice/wake up. This is oriented in hope..."it takes one to tango" for instance.
2) The "rules" are a specific set of tools/guidelines that speak to a WW situation, kind of a subset of DBing. These are, in many ways, a lot more detailed and practical than what's found in the book. This is slightly less hopeful, largely because you (to your credit, I am honestly amazed, and they helped me) are able to provide a more clear view into the WW's mindset and what works and doesn't work. Sometimes the H can do everything right and it still doesn't matter. It happens.
The phrase "I feel sorry for guys who are working so hard to change"... while we're trying to get our heads around changing and taking one to tango...felt like it maybe it wasn't even worth trying. At least that's the way I read it. And I didn't know if the extra slice of resentment from the W made it that much more hopeless.
I understand and agree with your explanation though. We can't undo the past, I suspect that resentments sit everywhere, and the W (both partners, actually) have to genuinely let it go.
