Help needed from Far-east.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25.

I'm sorry, I don't know what this^^^ means.

I read her text this morning to see what is her plan this week because it is OM's last week before he go back to USA.

What is with the "accidentally" making the meeting hard?

If I interfered my wife directly it'd be an argument.

yes and it would look like you are trying to control her (which would be true).


If I didn't do anything, it'd be like I allowed her.

First, it's not for you "to allow" your adult wife to do anything. Not blocking her from her mistakes, is not the same as saying it's all fine. You are under the illusion it is up to you to "allow"

AND

Second, you also seem to think that IF she is not stopped, it means you are okay with all this?


- No she will never think that^^.

She's a grown woman. I know it stinks and I know how betrayal feels. (I get it.)

But you need to let go of the illusion that you control anything she does or says or thinks. Back off, and become the better choice - so that regardless of what she does or says, you are better off anyhow.

I am not clear on what you are doing to improve as a man. Hey, I am not saying that is easy or that you "should" have to compete.

It's not really a context even though it feels like one. But you did say your wife had reason to feel unhappy in the marriage.

And so when you pretend you have control over her, your focus is misplaced.

Do the work YOU NEED TO DO - on you & for YOU.

Learn and do what it takes to become a happy, healthy, strong man of faith & honor.

And when you know deep down, that you have done all the work you needed to do to become the man YOU want to be, the best YOU that you can be,

Then turn your marriage over to God & hold your head high.

Until that time^^ arrives, you have work to do

to control the only person in this situation whom you really can and should control - You.

The rest of this is just you angrily spinning, and that takes away the energy you COULD be spending on the real work here, the only work that matters, which is you becoming the man you were meant to become.



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I don't want to end up D so I might have to forget about setting boundary because she will let me leave. I can answer this myself.

^^ouch. I know that hurts.


I am better than her OM no matter in what standard. BUT...How can I be a better choice to my W's eyes because she didn't even put me in the choice???


well, in HER mind (which is all that matters for now)

she believes that being married to you was not happy and she did not imagine that it could be happy. Maybe she did not know there was "better out there", but when she met OM, she decided she'd be happier with him or she preferred how he treats her, etc.

The question NOW is how to you go forward to GAL, Detach and become more attractive b/c you move on and let her see that you are a good catch. Again, have you read the Div Busting of Div Remedy book? The book IS VITAL to read so you can get all the information you need.

These online boards are great but if you don't have the terminology or concepts really mastered, you will miss a lot.

IN MY OPINION, just my gut instinct and my experience with mothers who have had affairs but did not have a wife beater for a h

most women with children, would prefer making their marriages to the father of her children, work. Most want to feel deeply loved and valued by the man who she married and has a family with.

If that man is too angry to help her feel that way, the marriage ends. ALSO, spouses need to respect each other (or no one will feel valued). When a wife loses some of the respect she has for her h,

it undermines the marriage. Sometimes the respect factor is what the h needs to feel about himself (like if he loses his job and gets depressed and is negative, he has lost his own self respect and that spills over to the marriage. That is not really about HER

though it affects her choices and responses. Does this^^ make sense to you?

(I am only making a general point, not aiming it specifically at you).




She might see me as a choice again after she ended her affair first. Otherwise, she don't even bother consider.

This^^^ is backwards.

(When people say "end the A first" they mean telling the WAW "end the A first BEFORE we can Reconcile", ...but your wife does not (yet) want to reconcile so you cannot just wait for the A to end - and THEN then hope she looks your way

AND THEN hope you suddenly become the man of her dreams b/c THEN you will start the work you need to do now. ??


This would mean you wait around for her to end the A or you try to end it INSTEAD of doing the work you admit you need to do to become a better h.

She thinks she knows your qualities and flaws. And she prefers OM. (ouch, i know)

You have to show her that you are better than she realizes. (Or you are becoming better)
Don't wait for that to fizzle out and just sit there hoping you win the "Pick Me" dance.

Who were you when she fell in love with you? What were you like then? Get back to being THAT guy, or even better.

Stop putting all your focus on the A.

Put it ALL ON YOU b/c you must show her YOUR VALUE by believing in it, AND

by becoming the man you were meant to become.

You don't become the better choice by tearing him down, but by lifting yourself UP.




So, the answer is ignore her affair. Isn't it?

If the only thing I can do to my wife that might safe my marriage is ignoring her affair, that what I'm gonna do.

It is not exactly ignoring - it's you putting your energy where it can make a difference, i.e. in you.

And those who urge you to "make sure she ends it" are getting ahead of themselves. Your wife is not interested in working things out r right now.
She is not asking you to reconcile or trust her, etc. She is certainly not going to end it now.

SOME would argue "well, then kick her out b/c she's having an affair." While I understand that, you want the marriage to work out, you want this woman as your wife so as long as that is how you feel, then work on you

until if and when your wife wants to recommit. THEN we can deal with the departure of OM. Make sense?

IF & When she wants to reconcile (which is many steps away from now) then you make sure the Affair is over BEFORE YOU will recommit to marriage with her.

Meanwhile you are out GAL and Detaching and being mysterious b/c you have just realized what a great catch YOU ARE and you are happy to discover the interests and hobbies and friends and family you love and who love you.

Let her wonder why you are quietly confident and content now...

(BTW Have you read the "#7 Rules" Sandi assembled? (Not all apply but it's a good start for you to have around as a guide).


I deeply appreciate you concern "25". Please don't give up on helping me. I know that sooner or later I will blow it and come back here to hear you say "I told you not to do!!!".

But, I will do my best.
Thanks

I don't say things like that and neither would Sandi. We might wonder if our words were read,

but no rubbing your face in a painful error.


sidenote

I once asked my DB coach about the unfairness of these circumstances, and WAS not seeing consequences of their behaviors and the WAS 'cake eating', etc.

My DB coach said "25, to an extent all WAS's 'cake eat' by virtue of being here, b/c the WAS does not think they want to be married! The LBS does, so temporarily there will be cake eating.
In a restored marriage, later on, that won't continue."

DB coach also said "It is not the job of a spouse to 'teach a lesson!' to their partner. It is not the job of a spouse to 'show them the consequences of their bad choices".
.
Life teaches all of us lessons, Life gives out the consequences. So we can stop taking on that job,

b/c it never was our job.