I am not new to DBing. I'm here for the second time actually. My story is not unlike many others. There were things I did that broke down our R. There were things that SO did as well. Ultimately, it ended in her giving me that dreaded ILYBNILWY speech. The rest is history. Beyond a few more logistical items, she will be completely moved out by the end of the week. So far, we are only 7 days since BD. That will be the last I see of her, with the exception of running into her by accident. She has literally decided to lease a home very close to me, so her son can continue in the same school as my daughter. It will be extremely awkward seeing her and OM at school events or in the grocery story. I don't know how well I will handle that. I have decided to go as dark as possible. I've eliminated every pictures, ever momento, every reminder from our home. I've unfriended her on social media, and her friends as well. I haven't reached out to her once since she left. I only respond to her texts, asking when she can come to remove her things. My replies are short and concise.
Now, WHY I am here? I want to heal, to grow, to understand what I hold wrong in my failed relationships, and how I can work to better myself. I honestly feel that my SO had her own flaws. She had many. The way in which she left our relationship was not acceptable. She emotionally cheated with an OM from her previous life. She is literally transitioning from the home we blended together, into a home with him and her son, so they can immediately pick up from where they left off, 4 years ago. I assume she believes he was her soul mate or something. Regardless, she says she will be happy. Thats none of my business,but I hope she is. I do love her and want her to be happy. I was willing to try, but she is gone. She is finished trying. She is moving on. I have no control over that. I have no control over her. I have no control over him. But, I do have control over me, and I want to build myself into a better person, better parent and better spouse. I have the control to do that. Perhaps this has all been a training plan, and my forever partner is still out there looking for me. Maybe she will be from my past. I have to hold hope....
Right now, I'm stuck. I am still reeling with confusing emotions of a 3 year relationship coming to and end, dispatching our blended family into different living spaces, disrupting children's lives, our families lives, our lives. It's a lot for me to deal with. I feel like I'm walking around nervously in a fog, but I don't know where I am going. I can see the shapes of people and murmurs of their voices , but it doesn't reach me. I'm depressed. I realize this is all part of the process. I am grieving. So far, I think I have worked past denial. I am no longer thinking that this a nightmare, or that it will miraculously all go away. I have also been working towards acceptance. I realize SO wasn't happy, for whatever reasons she has. They are valid. They are valid to her. I don't have to agree. I feel that I am at the point of accepting her wish to leave me, and willingness to return to her last love. I've been GAL. Yesterday I visited an old friend, turned down that offer for a beer, and spent some time petting my dog. Today, I decided to grab a shovel, post hole digger, some lumber and a level. I'm going to finish that retaining wall on my property. I think some hard work, sweat and distraction will help. My counseling starts tomorrow, and it cant get her soon enough. I NEED help. I need to get this incredible weight off of me.....
