Lost in Austin Pt 2

[sandi2]

Sorry, I have gotten behind in my posting, but I wanted to respond to your earlier question. I will copy & paste,
as a way to review the original questions.

I don't know how to square Sandi's comment with DB methodology.

This is part of my quote you took from another thread:

I don't discourage anyone from making self improvements. However, I can't honestly say your improvements will bring your W around. She has to turn lose of the resentment for past offenses, along with her disillusion ideas about M. She has to be responsible for her own happiness. Until then, you could be nearly perfect and it would not change her mindset.

Then this statement from you:

However, DBing and "Sandi's rules" smile kind of run counter to that.

Are you saying the dynamic is different when long-held resentments are involved?

Well, I'm stumped b/c I don't see why you think it counters DBing or the "rules". The DBer is never promised that his self improvements will solve the issues in his MR. He is told that the changes should be for himself. If they are just to woo the W back into the MR, they will not last. Plus, if she is a wayward W, she has her own issues to work out. Working out those issues are part of her heavy lifting she has to do.

The WW will blame her H for most everything. She will twist the truth around and make him feel he was responsible for her actions. If he is not careful, his "changes" become his way of taking the blame for everything and he just wants to appease her and get on with their lives........but, that's not the correct way. If she does not take ownership of her actions, their R will not be successful. She has her own stuff, just as he has his.......and we all have to work out what is in our heart/mind/attitude.

He may improve some current issues that has been a source of resentment for her, but he can't undo the past. She has to let it go. If she refuses to let it go, it will block her loving feelings from completely healing and giving herself completely to him. If he's smart, the biggest change will be the dynamics in their relationship and it will get him her respect. When he commands respects, it can change the dynamics in their R.

The MR can reap the blessings of his improvements, but his personal improvements is not the total fix-it packet for what was broken in the MR. It can fix him, but there's no promise it will fix the M. She is an individual with her own set of problems that she has to work out.

Making self improvements is just one part, of several parts of the whole M. I don't see how that revelation counters DBing. Unless you can be more specific, it's unclear to me what you mean.