Lost on how to save my marriage! 3

[25yearsmlc]

25,

I'm active duty. Been in just over 16 years. Almost at retirement.

My 180s, have been helping out around the house and with the boys.

As great as these^^ are, and they are, are they new behaviors? How is your r with the boys?

*Do not underestimate the value or how moved women are, by the loving interactions between their children and their fathers.

The other day she said she notice my changes, but I'm all over the place. She said I'm doing a lot better with the boys.

So, you mean you are not consistent? The "math" of this is

consistent change + sufficient time = change to be believed.

Don't ask her if she's noticed the changes. Do not ask her if she feels different now.

IF IF IF she notices them AND IF she tells you, you can say "oh, well I wanted to do that & I'm glad I am now. I enjoy them a lot."

Nothing about HER reaction. Otherwise it's obviously a tactic and not an authentic change in you. Tactics do not last and they do not reveal real change.




I have a question, she Saudi didnt provide her security, how do I do that better, or get back at being her security provider.


okay this may be more than you want4ed to know but I think it may help explain something.

In a very detailed survey, people reported 2 things that were most important to them in a spouse.

In men, the 2 most important things in a spouse were

1) feeling attracted to their wife


and 2) peace

- usually interpreted as peace IN the home, no nagging or repeated complaining.

Women said the 2 most important things to them were

1: Security, meaning that they felt physically & emotionally & Financially safer with their husbands

- some believe that this stemmed from our hunting/gathering communities. There, women & children needed protection from predators, especially when they are caring for children

- So, think about the cave life. If a woman was caring for a baby or carrying a child and the man goes out of the cave to hunt or gather,

she needs to know that he will bring home food,

and if a sabertooth tiger attacks the cave, her h will protect them. - And she will back him up!

The h needs to know she will keep the fire going and the child safe. (Like peace in the home.)

Financially speaking, you can see how a woman could feel insecure when her partner is chronically unemployed, and if she is the bread winner AND the nurturer, It's hard to maintain that for long.

AND

2)

Secondly, Wives reported fidelity from their husbands, as being a priority. The sexual commitment of this is obvious.

But another aspect of fidelity is plain old loyalty. Bad mouthing them to anyone, or complaining to family members or friends, is very undermining.

Hope this^^ helps.



I'm doing more of the things she said she didnt like doing as a woman. Like taking the boys to the barber shop.

I deployed twice since we been married and she took on all thise roles and I didnt take them back when I came home.

Also, she's now saying if we stay together instead of she's done. How do I interpret that?

You interpret that as meaning she may be second guessing her decisions. There are no guarantees but it's not a bad sign, and is a baby step. Most DB coaches would say "baby steps are the best to hope for", mostly b/c they are more trusted than dramatic changes, which tend not to last.

Make sense?

If you are making choices you wanted to make anyhow, why change course?