Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

Part 10

Post from last thread:
Thanks guys, this weekend was enlightening. I found I just don't have it in me anymore. On the way home WH did a really petty thing, he only filled the family van's gas tank half way because he feels our nanny shouldn't be doing "extra trips" ie., her own shopping and stuff while just with the baby. I've never had a problem with this before and I don't think it's worth losing a really good child care provider. We are wealthy people and she is not, if she wants to run a few trips during the day then I have no problem with it. I told him to turn around and I would fill it all the way up and I did. At the last second WH said, "Fine, you're in charge of filling of the van for now on." I just looked at him and shook my head. I then said, "We need to talk tonight." He agreed.

So tonight's the night. I am letting him know I've consulted a lawyer and will be paying my retainer and filing as soon as they paperwork is ready. I've turned every stone and been extremely patient. This gives him a chance to get how own lawyer and we can sit down and start working through the financials and stuff. He is still the wayward, narcissistic guy who cheated on me and I don't see him changing anytime soon. So I need to do this to protect myself and really start healing. Because one thing is clear, one cannot heal when living with a remorseless cheater, it's just rug sweeping at this point.

I plan on keeping this matter-of-fact and business like. I don't care to argue or try to "make him understand" the whys. He knows the whys and if he doesn't then that's my answer. I can't force him to feel empathy or be caring person, I can just make sure I emulate this for my children and hope for the best. A small part of me is nervous but another part of me is completely and utterly exhausted. I'm just done. I'm walking away.

[Henwen]

Good luck on things tonight. I would say I'm sorry about the end result but you seem ok with it and ready to move on. I wish you all the best.

[leahsue]

Praying, sending hugs, good vibes, positive universal thoughts, and all of the other good things to you tonight. (((( Sara ))))

[OwnIt]

Sara, I'm married to someone very similar to yours. I hope it goes well. It would be helpful if he agrees it is time and he wants it too. As you know with narcissists, there is no limit to what they will do to try to maintain control. My lawyer suggested trying to agree on a financial mediator (my kids are older and he has largely abandoned them) since custody is not an issue. I knew mine would cut bait and run from the beginning (he was already emotionally detached from the kids and it is what his own dad did) so I told him from the get go that he could see the kids whenever he wanted. My D is in her first year of college across the country so the only issue is my HS freshman son. H sees him maybe 4 hours a month but several months hasn't seen him at all.

I still have to deal with games over trying to control money, but for the most part he leaves me alone. You seem like a strong woman and I bet your H is a little intimidated and afraid of you as mine is. I think this helps stop him from behaving worse.

[PsySara]

He's unaffected, he discussed separation of finances and how custody will be split. I lost my cool near the end and started to spew. I told him his actions will affect the kids for the rest of their life. He appears not to care or simply doesn't believe it. I am back to not sleeping and just filled with rage. I regret marrying this man and choosing this man to be the father of my children.

[BluWave]

Sara, I am so sorry. This is going to be difficult either way you spin it, and of course you have hurt, rage, and resentment! You will get through this, I promise you that. Perhaps you have already been through the hardest part, and that was making the decision. ... I am gonna call BS on your H tho; he is a narcissist and has the most fragile ego, so I have no doubt last night he was protecting his face/ego. Don't believe a word he says and keep your focus on the best choices for you and the kids. You can expect him to be callus and mean, and you can also expect him to yo-yo back to regret/remorse when he sees you are serious this time. He has done that before, but you did not feel it was genuine or good enough. ... Please continue to look objectively at your long term goals. You will get through this, I know it! You are so strong!!!

Giant hugs!!!
Blu

[Coly23]

Hi Sara, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You have been going through this for a while and i vet you are tired of of all so as Blu says just focus on you and your kids and let your H figure it out for himself.

(((Sara)))

[Painter]

Hi Sara,

I am so sorry you ended up here... You have tried so very, very hard and fought for your M and your children, but I understand that you don't feel that you have it in you anymore.

All you can do from here, is continue to work on yourself, be the best Sara you can be, and GAL as much as possible.

[PsySara]

Thank you friends, my tank is empty or else I would post back individually. But huge hugs to you all.

Something weird happened today. I got off work a little early to go pay my lawyer to start the process and I caught WH riding his bike past my work. It was so odd, he looked at me while I was waiting at a red light and nodded at me. I just stared because he had to drive all the way across town and was in an out-of-the-way place to pass by my job. He had to have planned to purposely drive past my job. WTH?

I paid my retainer and filing fee today. My lawyer sent me home with a huge amount of paperwork to complete, both WH and I are worth a good chunk of money and I am buried under itemization. Between debt and assets I think this will take me the better part of the week at least. I am sitting at the dining room table muddling through this and WH is in his man cave playing video games, nothing new. The friends that I have informed about the D are all supporting me. I think most of them are breathing a sigh of relief.

But I am sad...so very, very sad. My dream is crumbling and fading away and I am just letting myself grieve. I bury myself in work and then come home to bury myself in my kid's care. By the end of the day I am numb and drained. GAL presents a challenge as childcare after work falls squarely on my shoulders and I work 50-60 hours a week. I thought if I was wise and picked my husband carefully, watched his behaviors for a few years before agreeing to marriage (making sure we agree on goals) that I would have avoided all this heartbreak. But no, life has a way of becoming slippery and somewhat uncontrollable. So I am going to just let these waves of sadness pass over me and deal with my own heartbreak.

[skyhigh]

Sara, you tried everything you could. You reached that decision because after so many attempts he didn't change. You had no choice left. He was not respectful or remorseful, it's not possible to live with someone who is not treating you with respect or still make you responsible for his decision to be unfaithful. Until he has this kind of mind set there is not way of building/rebuilding something solid for the long term.

Now I am going to tell what I notice through the years of seeing a few men (mostly physicians) leaving their wives or divorcing them for much younger women, at first they were happy, very happy, they loved that new freedom until reality started to come down upon them. Most of them if they left their wives for someone else, got dumped after a few months or left their new relationship because the la la land disappeared. Also what a wife is willing to accept because of their common past, a new "woman" might not be so eager to do so. And having the kids for a few days by yourself is totally different from a few hours with a fridge full of already made meals, laundry done, homework done...

Usually it takes them between 1 year and 3 years to realize what they had and how stupid they were. Real guilt and regrets come slowly, they need to live through the negative consequences of their actions and the harsh reality of their new daily life to become aware of the mess they created.

A few went back to their wives if they were still "available" and willing to give them another chance under certain conditions, some discovered that their spots were taken and they were not missed. And what happened to their former wives, after sadness and grief they became quite happy with their new life, because they didn't have to deal with that constant negativity and walking on eggshells anymore.

Sara, focus on getting the better deal you can on the process you are engaged in, you might get divorced or you might not, life is something always changing but don't settle for less than you deserved. We respect courage and chase what is worthy not the opposite.

One day at a time, don't give up and keep up your boundaries, very tough but that's the best you can do for the long term.

((hugs)))