Now go away or I will taunt you a second time

[LoisB]

Thanks Roist,

I went home again to help with my Mom. Ended up getting power-of-attorney over her medical, and making my brother POA for her financial. It's been very stressful, and disruptive to my life.

Matt has been in daily contact. I saw him twice when I went up North. I'm not sure it was the best decision, but I was feeling really tired and overwhelmed and the attention was nice. He was supportive in his own way... which is still out-there, but more like the guy I used to know. He saw Louisa after he hadn't seen her in four years.

He brought pizza, and ate four pieces. That's the ol' Matt. He applied for the county job, still in Ohio, but with better benefits and drug testing. Appears to be clean.

I'm still not sure what I think? I'm not wavering on my terms. I want him to have some serious sobriety and therapy, before heading in our direction. However, I do feel somewhat confident this isn't a touch-n-go.

Interesting Observations:

1. He completely lost track of time. In Ohio, our daughter reached out to her old best friend. Old bff is now 16, and has her license. When the girls made plans, Matt asked, "Who is driving?" We had to reiterate about three times that this girl is NOW 16, not 9. He even asked if she was still attending the elementary school she attended when he left. Um, no, she is at a vocat. school. Weird.

2. Really working on stuff around his mom. And, angry. The anger comes out in some weird ways... some racist comments, some weird comments about being angry with Social Media??? Anyway, I told him he needed to work through the anger with a professional, or we didn't have a chance. He's not angry with us, directs it toward to politics and such... but, I'm sure it would head in our direction if we were together. He agrees, which is nice to hear. Still, Tooo sooooooooon. BABY, BABY STEPS.

3. He REMEMBERS EVERYTHING I said to him over the past five years. Like he recorded every conversation. He will bring something up I said from like three years ago--and he isn't angry or anything--more like he is using everything I said as a guide back to us. Like, if I do this, like Heather said, I will find my way home.

4. Acts way older than he is. He is 51. He said he has a hard time driving at night. Really? At 51? It's like he thinks he is 80. I mentioned the drum circle in Asheville, and he said he couldn't do loud music anymore. Wha??? He was a Metallica freak. Just strange.

Overall, I'm in a firm Maybe region. I'm not saying No to a future, I'm definitely not saying Yes. I'm not sure we are well-matched anymore. He acts so old, and can be really closed minded. I'm more of a free-spirit now. And, I don't like the idea of waiting around for someone to "change."

At the same time, it's been really nice to have validation that I wasn't crazy through all of this. Just about every instinct and gut feeling I had was dead on. The OW is exactly how I imagined her, just like his mom... He spent five years in an absolute fog. It's also been nice to hear some really nice things, and reconnect with the person I remember.

It's like he is around 85 percent more comfortable in his skin, a bit more okay with the world, REALLY accepting of his drug problem, and about 25 percent is still Wackadoo. He is obviously still cooking.

He told me his plan. He hopes to hear about this job in the next few weeks. He wants to move away from OW. They aren't a couple any longer. He has saved money for a new apartment. He would move to another town. He wants to continue to work on himself, get a therapist, stay clean, stay connected to us, and take this slow.

As for me, I have had a few moments of, "Shid, what if he disappears again?" Sorta panicky feeling... but, it passes, and strangely, he seems to sense it and reassure me some.

Still focused on my life. Still 8 hours away from him. Can't lie, though, it's been a nice distraction while dealing with my Mom.