Tate, I'm so sorry. This is really hard stuff and it can be especially hard & painful when it's so close to home. I also experienced a double betrayal when my H had an A with OW in our small circle of friends--we had family dinners Friday nights, holiday traditions, and trips to the mountains. We frequently watched each others kids and drove them to their activities together for one another. So when the A came out--it blew up everyone's worlds, including our other friends and their kids in the circle. I cannot even imagine if it were family!
I agree with Ginger; she is your sister and you need to talk to her. If I had seen this a year ago, I would have said the same thing. She deserves to know the truth. I also hope that she doesn't feel betrayed that you have not reached out to her in this last year; even if she knows or suspects something, it is still important.
I am unclear as to why you say the cousins can no longer spend time together? Can you and your sister not continue to arrange this? Do you really need the other parents in the mix at all when getting together with them? If anything, I would hope that this is a time you and your sister can be united, support one another, and spend some time together with the kids. This is going to be very tough on everyone, and some normalcy and family support might be a good thing, no? Even if your W and BIL were the planners or boat owner, you can start your own traditions--for you, the kids, and your sister! I would start excluding both of them today.
If you think your W will D you without second thought, then that is telling about her character and I would advise you not to stand in her way. You say yourself you have spent the last year stepping it up, being a good man and father, and it has gone unappreciated. She is also having an A with BIL without any regard for you, your sister, and all these kids! I am sorry but she is proving to be a selfish and shallow character! She may not have been this way when you M her, but she is now. It is time to step back and detach!
We see so many Nice Guys on these boards that allow their W to disrespect them and walk all over them. They think that because the breakdown of the M is their fault (or partially), that they can show their W that they are better and changed or even nice their W back to the M. It doesn't work. Your W is already check out of the M and is pining for OM. Women respect and want strong and confident men, so seeing their H keep trying hard, only shows her his weakness. It is in a sense backwards.
You don't have to put up with her disrespect and if anything, if she sees doormat behavior, she will continue the A and things will get worse. I know you are broken-hearted and I know it hurts. But putting up with her abuse and selfishness, will not bring her back, and it may push her further away. I think it is time to create some strong boundaries, create space and minimize contact with her, consult an L if you need to, and get tough with her! She can say she is done and wants D all day long (they all say that BTW), but don't let her intimidate you or scare you with that. Only show her your strong, confident, and detached self. That is how you start feeling better and that is how you show her that you are no longer sitting and waiting for her.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
