Kids both had plans on Saturday night, so W and I ended up having some time together. My music plans fell through, so we went to a nice dinner and took a walk afterwards on route to a goofy show. I was kind of quiet at dinner, but over a bottle of wine we talked about vacation plans and getting older and wanting to travel and not wait till we're older. We both have wanted to do that more, but it's been hard with kids and our own aging parents.
On our walk I asked her if she could elaborate about her "exceptional husband" comment. She said that I was making a real effort to approach situations differently...I've been more calm at home, helpful in the kitchen, etc. etc. There was a long list of things. I said that I've always helped with the dishes, maybe she's just now noticing? She said that I have, but it seems to be coming from a different place within me than before. She can feel a difference in my approach.
She's a little skeptical that it's permanent, but I said that I'm trying really hard to dial down some of the intensity (my IC calls it "hyper-vigilance") and relax. And being involved without asking for anything in return.
She said that this is the guy she's delighted to be married to. Was so positive!
We talked about some differences in who we are, how we approach certain situations, and it was really productive.
For the benefit of the people on the board who may discover this, here are some things I've done differently (my 180s) that W noticed. Thanks to Sandi, 25, and others on the boards: - Look her in the eye while engaging in conversation - Do my part to create a mellow, calm environment at home. This was super-important. - Validate and listen, don't talk over her, speak in "you" statements - Don't over-analyze texts and emails she sends me. Stop looking for meaning in everyday interactions - Attempt to GAL (even suggesting things that I plan/want to do) - Find fun "couple things" to do together (she calls kayaking "our new hobby") - No pressure for sex, just let it lie for now - Give recognition and thank you, always - Offer to help our niece when she really needed help on a project - Don't initiate R discussions, just let her talk/drive. - I tried out her new fitness classes at her suggestion, which she viewed as taking an interest in her life - Laugh. Chill. React differently. Don't fall into the same discussion patterns. - Did all this without asking for anything in return.
Regarding the "calm at home" part: I told her that I'm trying really hard at this. I'm not perfect though. Mornings are hard. My D12 would not get moving this morning so that we could arrive on time for carpool, and I was really growing impatient. W witnessed this as she was going to gym to work out. I do have room to improve, but I own that and will talk to the family at dinner tonight so that we can all brainstorm on what we can do differently. I am trying to view this as an opportunity to build on a positive foundation. We'll see if she thinks that way too!
