First time poster-needs advice

[mm2bs]

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I last posted. I read here almost every day, but just struggle with putting my story out there.

My H and I had a big blow up a few days ago and it really sent me spinning. I've definitely settled down since then, but I'm still bothered by the fact that I let him get to me. He's known me so long he definitely knows what buttons to push to set me off. I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't stop spewing once I started.

We are moving to a new custody schedule which will give him more nights each month with our kids and I am really struggling with that...as are the kids. They have said they like seeing him, but want to sleep at home (my house...the marital home).

I read other stories on here and see clearly how the WW/WH, is so "off" and their words are just that words, but when it comes to my situation it's so hard to see they really are just words or what he is feeling in the moment. I have some really close friends who have been through divorce and they have given me great advice. It's just so hard to hear the words...I don't want to be with you...I don't love you, I love her...because she's nice to me and you aren't.

I really do struggle with "being nice" to him. I still have a lot of anger that I'm working through at him leaving, so I try to keep my interactions with him to a minimum. I am frustrated that he left our marriage and family and spends time with his AP. My kids have told me they wish they could just hang out with their Dad, but she always texts him and asks to come along too. My H is a typical "Nice Guy" and he struggles to say no to people.

I am working so hard at detaching so that I can at least be civil in our interactions. I have told him I"m not interested in being his friend, so even though I'm typically a pretty friendly person by nature, my interactions with him are not what I would consider friendly. Should they be??

As much as he's hurt me and my whole family, I am still interested in saving my marriage. I know I need to focus on me and my kids and leave him to do what he will do, but gosh is that hard. One day at a time I guess.