I'm well into DR and I have my written goals! I've started my solutions journal and will start posting results.
Great! Not many people discuss this part of DR but it is a big step in moving forward.
Quote:
So I'm trying to validation thing: WW: I know you love me...but the tense, bullying, controlling, manipulative behavior is unbearable. Me: Some of my behaviors have been manipulative & controlling and I can see how it would feel that way Me: You know I didn’t realize you thought I was a bully or that you felt I was bullying you WW: There are a lot of things you don't realize that you do Me: I can see that you are really bothered by some of those things I also see this is important to you and I’d really like to discuss it with you either in Couples Counseling or when your schedule is less hectic WW: It is very important
OK that's pretty good. Just keep in mind validation is about seeking to understand her feelings, and validating those feelings. Your responses sound a little too much like you're accepting guilt when they could have been directed more towards understanding her feelings. I hope that makes sense. For example, instead of saying "You know I didn’t realize you thought I was a bully or that you felt I was bullying you" you could have said something like "it sounds like that was very frustrating for you, is that how you felt, frustrated?" You're trying to pinpoint her feelings and get her to share them. When she does, you validate them "yes I can understand why you felt frustrated about that."
Quote:
In MC WW said "I don't know if we can reconcile". I didn't respond as the session was wrapping up but it didn't sadden me or feel like a punch in the gut. That thought seems normal for a WW at this stage?
Yes, very typical. "Script" as Cadet would say. That's how she feels right now, it can change later but for now expect to hear a lot of that kind of language.
Quote:
One thing that stands out to me after reading DR is the whole NC unless necessary. In the back of my mind I always viewed it as punitive so I'd get upset if she didn't initiate any text exchanges after a few days. After reading DR, I now realize that NC is more about taking pressure off of them by not pursuing.
Right. It just means don't initiate contact. If she contacts you it's OK to respond, but don't try to convert that into long conversations. She doesn't want that right now.
