So the BIG question is how do you know when the timing is right and their plans with APs are blowing up in their face or backfiring (unless of course we're privy to the state of their R which I assume most of us are not)? Or do you just file on your own timeline and HOPE AND PRAY that the WWs would turn around?
I believe this is difficult to gauge because the LBS at this point in DBing is not privy to the internal stuff going on with the W. So, then filing for D like this becomes a way of obtaining some reaction from W, which IMHO becomes just a tactic to see if they want to come back rather than the LBS making a decision from a position of strength.
I think that the LBS should file for D if they are truly done and want to move on with their life - much more than they have already done with attaining detachment and all that. Otherwise, it's just a tactic that could potentially backfire and also impact all the detachment work that the LBS has done.
As pointed out, the psychology of a WAW vs. WW is important in this aspect. I am going to speak for the WAW here, which I think is J's sitch and also mine at this point. If the WAW has not done the internal self-critical personal work, then it is going to be difficult for them to come back. If the D wakes them up and they want to start recon but haven't done the work, the LBS has to make a decision whether or not they want to go along with the WAW's process of figuring herself out, or just move on with their lives. Because at the point of filing D, assuming you've given it enough time for the changes that the LBS wants to make for themselves has passed, the LBS is going to be in a different mental, emotional, and psychological universe compared to the WAW (if they are still stuck in limbo and in the past). At this point, I would say that the WAW is in a fairly unattractive place for the LBS, and the LBS will have figured out what they want from a relationship. If the WAW agrees to work on things and the LBS's needs, then you can begin the process of recon and see where it leads.
As much as I love my W and would want a recon, I am not going to do it if she hasn't done some personal work, shown remorse for her actions, and agrees to do the work so that my needs are met for a future MR. I aim to get to a place of strength where I am comfortable moving on without W and I know I can have a happy life without her. I don't want to recon for a subpar MR and I don't think any LBS should.
So, the way I look at the timeline for making a decision for what's next is this - have I been able to accomplish my goals yet? Do I feel like I have the inner fortitude and strength to move on with my life? Do I know what I would need from a relationship?
If I have reached those markers, at that point I will consider the decision on the D.
I think all of this circles back to the fundamental point about focusing on yourself. And if you do that, you're golden.
