It was very tough for me for the first couple of years. People would say that I handled this just fine, but I was a big mess inside. I think my heart finally stopped pounding after the 2 and ½ years after BD. I could not eat (last a lot of weight) and was barely able to function in everyday life. I was a consultant for a long time and had to travel for work. I was able to hold on to my last contract and still do the job after H delivered BD, for about a year. Then my contract ended and I was not able to find a new one for a year. At that time, I already had my house on my name (H singed it off to me in the first year after the BD) and I was afraid that I had to sell it because I could no longer pay the mortgage. I finally applied for a full time job and it saved me.
H brought up a D subject a couple times during the first year. He told me that we could file online and get it done quickly. I told him that he could go ahead and file online or whatever other means he thought appropriate and send me the paper work, so I could forward it to my lawyer. He was surprised and asked me if I already had a lawyer. I said that I interviewed a couple at that time. He never followed on this though. He never filed. I haven’t either. I don’t really need an official D right now, as I have a pretty good life and the whole D process could be a lot of stress, plus I think that he needs to do it himself and see all the way through if he really wants it.
When H left, he made a decision for both of us… That I would retain the house, and he would get the condo in Mexico, where he desperately wanted to live. Well, he can only live there for about 4 months of the year, in the Winter, because he has to work for living, and he works in another state (up North), not the state I live in. This condo is still on both of our names (mortgage and the Mexico trust). He pays the mortgage. But, I still can come over and stay in there, when he is not there, of course. I think this condo is what it holding him back from filing for D. It would not be that easy to transfer it to his name.
But, I don’t really know what is holding H back from filing… There was never an OW as far as I know. He might have had some casual Rs, but there was nobody permanent. He might just like the status quo… Sometimes I think that no OW is actually slows things down, LOL. He is still holding on to a hope that he can find that perfect “harmonious” relationship that he thinks he needs (obviously, I was not the one to provide it for him.)
We also still have a lot of things in joint accounts, including the car insurance. I give H an exit option every year, but he chooses to stay on the same policy. We also have a joint business.
Anyway, there are a lot more details in my sitch, but I don’t want to highjack your thread. All I can say, that it gets easier. And some people are able to move on a lot faster than others. I’m not one of these people. I still experience sadness about what happened to us. It is still hard to believe that H did this to us. But, like I said, I have a good live and this journey thought me a lot! I’m very different person from when I was 5 years ago.
My heart goes out to you… I know how difficult it is, especially in the first year. But, one thing that should be done no matter what, is taking care of your financial stuff. I absolutely agree with others here that you should think business when it comes to D and all other financial matters. I know it could be difficult, but need to protect yourself. MLCers could set so hard on D, but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the word. There are so many stories here about MLCers who divorced their spouses, but regret it years later. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. They learn it sooner or later.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
