Look at you guys and your 90s grunge, how adorable :-) J-9, you seem like you are doing great--a real DB champ! And the fact that you are feeling good about it and thus more confident, is awesome! I love reading this because it is an example for others to see that if you embrace the philosophy & the rules, you really can start to detach and feel better. You don't have to give up loving them and wanting them, but you can let them go, live your life, and implement boundaries. Why should you look at her smoke detector in her apartment? She left you! If she wants to be friendly and engage in conversation, that's great. You can be cordial and respectful, but still not be her friend or rescue her. That is the balance, and you appear to be striking it.
I just don't know how long to wait......GAL, detach, whatever....in the end we are all waiting or we would file for D ourselves.
That is what I get the most confused on because it seems like the LBS' that were successful ended up filing themselves.
Blu....what are your thoughts on this?[b][/b]
When you say you don't know how long to wait, what does that mean? Because whether you are waiting or not waiting, the goals and the rules are the same, no? DB is ultimately for you and you only. Once you master it, over time you naturally become the better option. If she notices (which she will) and she still doesn't want to come back, you can still feel good about yourself and think "her loss!" Someone else will notice and love the new, improved you!
So you brought up a great point about the LBS that are successful ended up filing themselves. There are several posters here that got to a place of filing, dropping the rope, or making the clear statement that they were finally done, only to have their S do a 180. We have seen that with TxHub, Stormchaser, Lim, myself, and PsySara, etc. So yes, sometimes when we have a S that has BD'd us, there is a recipe that brings them back and that usually involves their other plans blowing up or backfiring, in combo with them realizing that the LBS has removed themself from plan B.
Here is another twist tho, and I am no expert, but this topic (of our S doing a 180 and coming back), is where I THINK (IMO) we see a big difference between Walkaways and Waywards. I think when our S is wayward AND leaves us for OP, and that relationship starts to become reality (which is usually a disaster), while at the same time they see the S is done, there can be a shock to the system. They realize they made a mistake and that the S is no longer plan B. That makes the AP person look even worse in their eyes and it can quickly become a downward spiral. This was certainly the case with my H and he did a 180 and came back very quickly, in a couple weeks.
When the W walks away, and not to pursue a OM, the psychology can be very different. She is not running in limerance to another, but she is fully checked out of the M and detached from her H. Often she feels she has done everything, been trying for so long, feels that it is hopeless and that things will never change. She gives up on the M and her H and she moves on. Now while there is not the same devastation and heartbreak for her H (that she has run off to OM), getting her to come back and see your changes might actually be more of a challenge. She has been on this journey for a long time, she feels her mind is made up, and there may even be some depression or MLC going on.
Sooooo, the short of that is, there really isn't a way to trick them into coming back. If you don't want a D yet, then don't file. I get the sense your W is a WAW and not a WW. That perhaps could take longer or be more challenging. Or not. We have so much less control than we think we do. But you are doing great! Keep it up with your tight shirts and grunge. Just keep 180 & GAL for YOU!
Ok, you guys, now feel free to disagree and hit me with your 2*4s :-))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
