24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[bttrfly]

Hi Irish,
so you got your Irish up with eew ... who can blame you? God knows the MLCr would try the patience of a saint.

I cannot point fingers -- anyone remember my reaction to finding out I was expected to pay half of exh's secret vacation to Hawaii, taken on our 21st anniversary? I acutely remember another time when I went absolutely ballistic on exh, around that same time frame. Truth darts are not pretty and in my case the darts flew fast, furious and hit with deadly accuracy. I remember darling Lou being aghast and asking me why I wasn't taking Job's good advice - well, in that case Job's advice was posted after exh and my conversation, and after months of not sleeping and stress I just snapped. I'm not proud of it, but at the same time even the tiniest kitten has claws. An Italian woman pushed to the brink isn't a pretty sight.

My point is, patience can only carry us so far. Some days it's just too bad for them if they end up hearing something they don't like from us LBS. You cannot keep poking the bear with a stick and not expect to get whacked with it every so often.

I know the girls were in counseling. Are they still? Can you have a conversation with a medical professional about their DNA concerns? Maybe there's someone who can talk with them and assure them? If it is a hormonal issue, as long as they are monitored they can get through it just fine. Modern medicine is an amazing thing. Yes, that's your herbal friend talking, and I believe it too.

I thought of something else re: the girls - this is an opportunity to teach them a really invaluable lesson, that of the importance of self-care. Self-care means that even if you have kids, a husband and a career, you take the time to make sure you are rested, well fed, have exercise, things that nourish your soul too, and most especially you make sure you have regular doctor visits and mind your health so you can be available to live your life and care for your loved ones. Maybe that will help them feel more in control?

I can't imagine what those sweet children are going through, and I especially know that it must be torture for you not to be able to fix this for them, calm their fears, help them feel safe again. As bad as it is for us, the worst is that we cannot protect our children from this.

And you are at this 24x7, you don't get a break - not that you want one - but still, you have had your own grief to deal with as the LBS, and on top of it, having to be strong for the girls. At least I get a reprieve from having to put on the happy face - when son is with exh I can scream, cry, rant, rave or just be the wife he left behind rather than having to put that aside to be the strong mother taking care of her son and pets, trying to keep it together so it doesn't affect son's relationship with exh unduly.

I get that your Irish temper kicked in and you'd just had enough of the BS. You have a right to your opinion and you have a right to share it with eew. Hey - just because someone says they're doing the best they can doesn't necessarily mean it's a good job. As 25 says, yes, the girls and eew's relationship is between them. But I also see what you're saying, that you can have an opinion of her parenting and you let her know what that was. Was it diplomatic? No. Was it "DB" ? No. But let's face it, at this point, you've said you're done and I get it.

As for going to the services. I truly feel that's the girls call, and given their reasoning, it makes sense. Heck my son didn't go to auntie's memorial service. I was upset, but he told me why and how he felt about it and I understood his perspective and accepted it. His perspective is that services are for those left behind. He did not know the people who were going to be there, hadn't seen them since he was 9 or 10. He wanted to remember her in his own way. Did I agree? No. Did I accept? Yes.

Anyway, it's done, and that's that. You've said your piece, she now knows how you feel about her life choices vis a vis her relationship with the girls. I think the most constructive thing you can do now is shrug off the residual ickiness we all feel after encounters of this kind and re-focus on your GAL and how best to help the girls cope. I know you're doing just that. sending hugs {{{{{{Irish}}}}}}} Let's not forget that you too were hurt by this, not just as a parent but also as a partner who was left. xoxoxo take care of yourself here also Irish. Don't let yourself and your own pain get pushed aside to take care of the girls. You have a lot to hold, my friend. xoxoxo