Trying to stay above water 2

[25yearsmlc]

Totally makes sense. Although he p*ssed me off Friday. He was heading to the cottage with our youngest Friday. So I told him next weekend was his weekend and our D had dance for the majority of Saturday and then a birthday party on Sunday. I just wanted to give him the heads up that he needed to adjust his plans.


my suggestion is either let your D tell him, jot a note or leave it totally alone and let your h face the consequences. Yes your D may suffer in the short run but it's not really Your job to manage their r. It's a challenge I continue to face, though now that almost a year has passed, I've withdrawn from it.


Plus, once you gave him the info, the rest of it "that he needed to adjust his plans" was not really for you to say.

Do you see why? And do you see why it sounded like you were telling him what to do....because you were.

This^^ does not make you a POS or a horrible wife. It's just behavior you may want to change.


Well he got angry and told me that he wasn't going to come back multiple times for her stuff and her stuff could just be cancelled and that he wasn't giving up his weekend. I got so angry. The only thing I said was but this is your daughters life as well and it's your weekend.

but Hen, he knows this^^. It's sort of you guilting him and trying to control his time and the outcome.

What if you Let go of the results and just worked on you? What would that look like?

Then he started to tell me I wasn't going to tell him what to do. So I said I'm too angry right now to talk about this. We can discuss this when we are both calm. So that right there is a huge success for me. Normally I would have been angry and blaming and not letting it go. But I just backed off.

clap clap clap!!! GOOD ON YOU!


And I haven't talked about the situation yet. I'm not sure how to proceed.



You do NOT have to "talk about the situation"!! Leave it alone - unless you want a divorce, in which case, what is there that has not been said already?


I obviously can't force him to take the kids. I get he works long hard hours and needs the down time. But on the other hand kids aren't there for convience. And my time is worth something as well. I don't need to be driving her all over the place either. But I do it because I am a parent.

Here is what I have learned, and you can certainly take it with a grain of salt.

Essentially I raised our 3 kids myself. Certainly when S31 left and I was with the 2 d's, h was gone, off & on, 8 of the past 11 years in some form of "commuting" work situation. He's a doctor, we were near a huge city, so it was completely unnecessary to commute.

So I drove the girls to & from school, to all their activities (d28 is in the film industry and when she could not drive and was a minor, that meant I had to be on set or stage for every rehearsal with d20 tagging along). Often d20 did not get to bed till LATE. She slept in the car on the way home, a lot. God, looking back that makes me sort of sad.

Like you, I put them to bed every night, cooked, cleaned, laundry and hey, YOU know the rest. And we had their friends over a lot. Some kids were like 2nd children to me.



H missed all ^^^that but he'd show up for SOME of the highlights like Homecoming (a big dance in the US) though he missed the Prom (graduation dance, a big deal here). I guess he'd be there for the proud dad events.

I don't think h even knows what he missed. He does not know what he does not know.

Looking back, I realize that the drives to/from and bedtimes and meals, were all times of information sharing. I knew who said what, which friend was kind, or angry. Which boy meant the most or least, what the teacher said. Their homework, their fears and worries and excitements and joys. That is when we learn how their hearts were, how their plans and dreams were forming and changing. I knew them. I was part of their lives.

Bedtime is precious even if it gets briefer as they age. I would not trade that for anything.

So rather than seeing all that h missed (and feeling angry about it, on my behalf and on the theirs)

I try hard to focus on what I gained. It's so precious. And I won't ever get it again. They are out of the house now.

Do you relate?

The d's visited last weekend, for a family wedding. It's the first time they saw my new condo and we walked to a restaurant since I'm next to the subway and I am quite the urban hipster now

it's 1/3 the size of the house they grew up in. But I'm okay with that.

Not sure if you can grab what I'm saying in this^^^ b/c I'm a few years ahead in terms of the kids ages. Just, don't give all that time away, okay?

There has to be a way you can WRITE out their schedule. No commentary needed. No righteous anger at your h. It's not about being right. In most situations that does not matter. The way something is presented in our relationships is usually more important than the content of the presentation.

Let him face the consequences of canceling one of their activities.

In fact there is a software program people talk about that allows the parents to work things out on their computers, without having to discuss every single event or activity.




So I either stifle the anger and work thru it with my IC for the betterment of my family.


Correct.

Or I put up boundaries and say no. This needs to be done half. I am tired of always being the one parent that is always there for the kids.


Well, in a word, "tough". You are the one who is there. You don't get to bail out b/c you think that's fairer to you. Parenting is not about what is fairer to you.

The kids don't get a say in any of this. They did not get what they wanted in their family or their parent's marriage. But they are working thru it. And you are helping them with that. And that is what it is.

Setting boundaries with your h - I wish it was about something other than time with the kids. I worry that your kids may t feel you are projecting the "no YOU take them, not me!"
Food for thought.


I love my kids. But he can't just take the kids only when it's convenient for him.


Well yes he can. He has and many many parents do.

FWIW, not every party or activity must be attended. Some would argue our kids have no free time anymore.

You need a schedule - i would just present it online or in writing on a calendar & say "I am able to transport on the following days. Please review this & let me know which days you'll do X."

If he says no or whatever, he won't get custody, which means he will pay you more in support, correct?

(thats how it is here).. Document. Make no threats & no blurting out in anger,

Things will evolve, what you all do now is not going ti be written in stone b/c a month goes by & you are doing more than he is.

Lose the scorecard or be grateful you get the kids this much. (Sorry Hen - but Most moms are sad they have to split the kids up.)

Yes I am bitter about this part.

How is that for You?

Because I always thought he was better then this. And again I know I can't control his actions. But did he really think he could just leave and not have any responsibility?


That is not how HE sees it. He will say you gave him no choice, or he's worn out from all the constant criticism and all the harassing and conflict and you b1tching at him, etc.

and you are projecting your views & values onto him. So you cannot grasp his choices and so, That will baffle you.

He does not handle conflict your way, & you don't hold your tongue the way you want to. You need to focus on what you CAN control and let go of the rest.

Hen, let go of the rest. You will make yourself sick otherwise. Believe me, I know.

I am in the middle of the financial crap and it is horrific and my h and I are very far apart on numbers. Yeah, he's baffling me and making me nuts and I literally feel sick at times.
I have said nothing to him. No contact and it is hard as he11. IT takes everything in me not to reach out and blast him.

I always have to think it out and say "25, be real. What do you expect will happen if you tell him he is delusional, and a liar/cheat" etc.?

Will he really slap his forehead and say "You are right! I'm SORRY!"

Nope. He will say it's proof that he is right to have taken all the money (HE worked hard for it!)

and all the rest. The kids not talking to him will be MY fault ("she turned them against me!")

Best not to give any ammo.

That part drives me crazy. And before this set back we were getting along really well. And then he blows up over having to 'ruin' his weekend.

Just let him know what the kids have planned and let him work it out with THEM.

Back off and step back. I know it's hard. My h has not seen the kids in a year.

But I was fired from the mediating wife job. And in some ways, that is a relief.

Hang in there, back off and work more on detachment.

And so will I!