Your sitch sounds way too similar to my own. The only difference is that my W thought she could simply have sex with OM and leave it at that. My W is very emotional, so naturally she allowed herself to make it more by wanting to get more about him afterwards. Even though this guy is married with 3 children and her sisters 1st cousin.
I made every mistake you made before I discovered DB. And as long as I was willing to ignore everything going on with W and OM she was cool being around me and cake eating. W even wanted to have sex with me. But the moment I refused to tolerate that disrespect, W would get nasty and even hit me at times over this guy.
W moving out last month was painful, but I simply got tired of the constant disrespect. But it gotten a little better. It's tough when S13 is gone for several days, even though he has been with me most of the time. But the house gets lonely with it being just me here. W moved in with her sister. So it's a constant person at her place. W can't stand to be alone and probably would have come back home if it wasn't for her sister being there. Plus the new BFF is a new bad influence. Thought things would get better after old BFF moved away to work on her own marriage.
If I had to this over again, I would throw the fear of losing my W out the window. And made her leave sooner. A lot of time was wasted trying to nice her back. Yes I GAL, but detaching would have been so much better. Should have just gotten to the mindset that W was already damaged and moved on. Like you I am well aware of my contributions to the things that led to the A. But I have completely made all the changes needed. And continue to perfect them.
Also my W is now chasing after anything that smiles and has a penis it seems. Regardless on how bad things look on paper with these men. Believe that she is realizing that if she can not have OM full time since he lives out if state, then anyone will do if there is an itch that needs to be scratches.
Now I am concerned about what you W is telling you D in order to justify this behavior. Not to mention having your own child take the side of OM over her own father. The thing I ensure S13 knows is that his mother behavior is not good at all. And that OM is someone that we don't tolerate or respect.
