Any Advice?

[gw5263]

I have begun the detachment process today. I sat back for a good time period last night and replayed the last year in my mind. My contributing factors to this sitch were this - I was drinking nightly, and had no intamacy whatsoever for about a month and a half. Her chief complaint was there was no affection shown, no sex, and she felt like i was cheating. BY taking a hard look back, she was right. There was no affcetion shown, i blew her off when she wanted to have sex, and i acted as if i could care less. I created an atmosphere that made conditions ripe for what happened to occur.
I accept and own my contributing factors. It was not my fault she chose not to tell me there was an issue, and it was not my fault she chose to pursue an A. I can honestly say that I made conditions ripe. I own it. I have made several significant changes since then. I have been to IC, I quit drinking, go to AA. My drinking binge was spurred by what has now been diagnosed as PTSD due to events and experiences i have had in 21 years of law enforcement. I am a much nicer person to be around, I have lost 52 pounds, however, i made the most common mistakes LBS make - I begged, i pleaded, i tried to reason, tried to use logic to persuade her, not knowing i was driving her farther and farther towards OM. She says they started talking as friends and it escalated to the point where she " Fell in love with him" and has no desire to cheat on him by working on us. I made the mistake of threatening to turn him in thinking it would make him go away. Sandi Was right, he's not the problem, she is. I need to put all the craziness and spiralling away and focus on what ive been given here.

I cant control her, as bad as i want to. I cant make her dump him, not contact him, or think of him. All i can do is work to ensure that i am the better choice, and shed be a fool to throw me away for him. I may be niaeve, but i actually think its better that this is a distance A because she can see day by day what im becoming without the distraction of the OM being within arms reach. Eventually one or the other of them will tire of the distance relationship and pack it in. My money is on him, because hes a guy, and i know i wouldnt be satisfied with seeing "my love" every two or three months for a day. Id need and desire a mate nearby that i could interact with. He may already have one. I hope he does and she wins his heaart so i can have mine back. But I cant live on hope. I have to act, and act decisively as so many have advised. It begins now, the right way.

My only question is this- since basically this boils down to emotional neglect on my part, what modifications, if any should i employ? At the moment there is absolutely no physical aspect to our M at all, because in her foggy mind that would be " cheating on my soulmate". I dont want her to feel as if i am still that neglectful guy, but i also dont want to be the clingy pursuing guy i was yesterday and all the days since BD.