Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Thanks everyone for stopping by. This is a slow moving, off-the-rails roller coaster, but definitely not a merry-go-round. That would just be too boring and routine, LOL! Adventure, ho!

Coly, I would never say XH's words mean nothing. I analyze the cr#p out of everything. Hello?! Ciluzen here! I just have learned that he throws things out there, then tries to cover them up later when he realizes what he's said or done...or maybe he forgets...or maybe he gets advice...I don't know. I AM NOT A MINDREADER. That was for my own benefit...I need to remind myself once in awhile that I haven't the foggiest what he's thinking or feeling. Heck, sometimes I actually realize that my own thoughts and feelings fluctuate multiple times an hour.

Sotto, I would actually entertain the thought of getting back with XH...but I'm not really the same person. A little closer to who I was when we met, but with a lot more confidence, better self esteem, and a renewed sense of what I want and how to get it. I will never be that dependent on another again. That break-up was almost the death of me (quite literally) because I had no one but my mom (1500 miles away) and my daughters (who are also his ...not right to vent to) when he left. I no longer blame him for making his decision and I'm ok even though I still see enough of the "him" that I miss. I could talk to him about anything or listen to his voice for hours. I still love looking at his face. But if he ever wanted to reconcile, he'd have to somehow find his strength to honestly do something toward that. I don't know if he wants that; he certainly isn't strong enough to try. I get the feeling he's sort of afraid of me, or unsure of himself or his actions when we're alone.

He is still lost, too. He is unsure and not very confident around me. I see him. He came with assistant D to pick up the truck last night. He had his chipper,charming face on...actually played with our dog (who I know he now misses). Assist. D and I proceeded to talk about an event we are attending today and I saw his face start to sink a little. He then announced he was leaving. I brought up giving the truck key back, as my stuff is now out of the storage unit, but he still insisted I keep the key. He told me I should have it in case our younger daughter lost hers, this time (even though he told me the other new spare would remain in the truck). I then brought up that I should give him the key to the storage unit, as I had nothing there anymore. He appeared hesitant and unsure as I held it out. I repeated, "I have nothing in there. No reason to have it taking up space on my ring." He lost his chipper smile for a second. He stopped long enough I could almost here that "no-man's land" wind blow.Then he took the key, smiled big and said, "have fun tomorrow, ladies!" as he walked out back to take the truck (funny; I didn't see the pronounced limp this time). Hunh. Just... hunh.

Actually, I'm surprised that I'm starting to see this amazing amount of non-confidence in men I've encountered; especially over 40. I always viewed men as strong unless they "appeared" obviously weak. I think it was more of a idea put into my head plus my own feelings of weakness. I'm not down on men. I see weak women, too. But I'm starting to sense strength AND weakness in others where I didn't notice it before. And in dating... I feel like I'm starting to see the embodiment of male midlife crisis staring me in the face everywhere I look.In their eyes, their words, their behavior and their demeanor. I feel like my glasses are on when it comes to seeing confidence. There are still quite a few that strike me as confident and together, but my eyes are open.

Roist and Coly, journalist guy is intriguing. Really. I'm going to pick his brain if we spend any length of time together. He seems very spontaneous, open and genuine...which is a red flag for me now that my trust-o-meter is broken.

Sorry Pinn...no date this weekend! A family emergency came up so he had to cancel Sunday's meet-up, but that caused him to invite me to go with him on his trip to a city five hours away with him. Odd. But he also proposed a bike ride for after our initial date, without having met him and also asked if maybe I could come over to barbecue for our second date. Too soon, but I told him I might after I got to know him better. I feel if he's in MLC he might be in a "YOLO" mode. Or...something darker? I do watch a lot of scary movies. And a lot of wildlife documentaries. They call that "culling from the herd". Yes, I'm very cautious. Public places for me for awhile!

I now over-analyze everything that is said and am probably annoyingly cautious. I've also learned not to pursue (DB training) which may be seen as lack of interest by some. Maybe it is? I'm really enjoying my me time. I might not have a lot to give others for awhile. If I am in a relationship, as I learned from musician guy, and not able to give...that's just really selfish. Maybe I have no business in that kind of relationship right now? I think I'm going to have to risk being very up-front, from now on. I am, after all, going for authenticity.