How do I get things right?

[25yearsmlc]

LovelyP

I fully echo Sandi's comments. You made a mistake, you "confessed" it and your h is holding it over your head or throwing it in your face or punishing you for it by paying attention to other women...that's abuse, regardless of the cause.

SIGH...more advice coming...

Meanwhile --, 2 "writing" requests.

Could you break your post into paragraphs and separate them to make it more readable?

It would make it much easier.

And could you add to your signature block (profile) a few sentences for a summary?

(that is the way we remember the individual posters more easily).

Like how long you were married, ages, children's ages, when the bomb drop or recent issues. So we can remind ourselves of each poster.

It will help us advise you better.

Do you have a counselor for just you? And are you in the UK?

And do keep posting! We will watch for you

[25yearsmlc]

He threatens divorce and when I agree to it he goes quiet. I understand for now he us angry abt the A. He told me he lost interest in me in early 2015 (months before I had the A).


I think your h is using the One Night Stand (not an "A" in my eyes) as his excuse for anger. HE told you he first lost interest in you before the event.

I rarely defend affairs and I will point blank say you screwed up to be sure. But an "affair"?? I sense more desperation and sadness for your reasons. In your case those cliched "my spouse is mean" sound actually true.

You need help to figure out what to do.

Can you name 3 reason you are okay staying m to 9


In one conversation when I told him I want a divorce he said he will only agree if he buy me an apartment so that we live at a decent place.

um, you do not need his agreement to get a divorce. The state grants it, not the spouse. Those days are over. As for reasons for divorce, that depends on the state or nation.

If his "conditions" are favorable to you AND ONLY IF, maybe accept them but watch hard for strings attached.


We already have a house but I told him if we divorce I want to move to a new place and don't want to live at our house.

take the kids with you or he will say you abandoned them AND OR he will use them as a weapon in divorce. That happens almost a lot of the time.

He also says we can divorce maybe after a year or so because he wants to help me get back on my feet.

given the other behaviors, ever think he's just stalling? If I were you i'd get a BIG look at the finances and keep track of where the money is going. Big look at the money before you go - if you are safe ..
-
Sometimes he suggests an open marriage so that we stay together and I get someone to date. He says he got hurt to know an A happened behind his back and it would be better if he keeps that option open so it can happen openly. I refused this too because all I want is a normal marriage where he can make an effort to meet my needs.

I think it is so confusing. I don't understand him.

when we project Our values and Our moral compasses on them, their choices make NO sense to us.

But they do not have our values or moral compasses so you must deal with what is.

Don't stay in a m b/c of the potential you see in your h, face what's real now.


He likes to talk to me, he even likes to come and have lunch with me. When we fight now he initiates sex a lot. On that area even when he is not angry he initiates more. He likes to talk to me more than before. I don't even know how to move forward. I had an A so do I have the right to complain abt my unmet needs now or endure and be so unhappy

[Lovelyp]

[quote]
Let me ask you about resentment. Were you holding old unresolved issues in your heart? I mean, it's hard to deal with resentment when nothing seems to change. What about lack of respect for him as a man......and as your H? Do you really desire your him, or is it more an issue of your need for emotional and physical intimacy?

Thanks Sandi2. I appreciate how you take time to read and give advice.

That's so true because when tried to deal with resentment he would hurt me again and it got difficult to deal with it.
I think I was bitter mostly because he would ignore my emotional needs.

Yes I was disrespectin him but didn't mean to. Its failure to deal with the pain and resentment. Now I try to detach and it helps resolve it but there are days it's difficult and I fail to control my emotions and temper. Its getting better.

I do desire him a lot, more than when we first got married. He feels the same too and he enjoys being with me. In fact he looks forward to being with me and on good days I do too. The only problem is he doesnt understand that sometimes I need to be close to him without it leading to sex. He needs to start connecting with me more emotionally but we love each other.

How do I treat him when he us angry but wants to talk to me?

[Lovelyp]

Thanks 25 for taking time to read and giving advice. Yook note and will updated my signature shortly

[Lovelyp]

Thanks 25.
Reasons why I am staying:
1. I love him and he loves me
2. He is a responsible husband and father who puts our needs first
3.he changed. Normally he used to tell people our problems. Abt the A he kept it to himself and took the initiative to seek MC & paid. HE is willing to pay even if we need more. With the way he used to be he wouldn't have done even MC if I was paying.
4. All areas are OK but we left things too far and didn't know how to work well. We tried but we're using wrong strategies.
5. We both came from broken marriage and when growing up we both were not exposed to normal marriages. We like to break this generational curse of broken marriage.
6. I'm a Christian and I believe that we can make this marriage a happy and fulfilling one.

[25yearsmlc]

He also says he talks to other women and ignore my pleas as a way of regaining control because he feels he is loosing his privacy and too controlled.


This ^^^ is punitive. The asserted reason for punishing you is because - "HE feels loss of power" is not a defense.

^^ That's like saying "my ego is bruised - so I will bruise the crap out of yours, until I feel better about myself, which may never happen....and it'll ALL still be your fault."

His "Inappropriate relations" with other women is not a way to regain control of himself, it's a way to hurt you. Confusing those two things is dangerous.

IF he wants to regain control over himself, he can work on himself. But what he really wants to control is you. And he inserts "hurting" you into the definition of controlling you.

A wife's pride in her appearance is usually pleasing to a h. Maybe the real reason he won't compliment you is his deeply rooted insecurities. Somehow he feels less than, when he lifts you up. He fears that if you feel good about yourself, he will lose you, due to the inequity in the m.

Look, I'm not a shrink so take my words with that caveat. But I've seen this pattern many times before. Let me offer some free advice or my free interpretation, which you are free to ignore.

In his eyes, complimenting you could lead You to discover you are a great catch, and then you may discover that he's less than.

Better to keep you down, so you two are on a level playing field. I'm not saying he thinks this consciously, but to say you have pride and that causes him to with hold compliments (showing love) to you, reveals a lot about him, not you.

This^^^ is a fundamental problem in Him. It affects how you interact together. You will never be adequate in his eyes, if this does not change. His deep insecurities fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and in your case, helped get you here.

His stubborn resistance to complimenting you - happened long before your ONS

FWIW I resist using the term "Affair" for you. That's b/c A's require preplanned deceit and then implementation of the plan, and the passage of TIME for it to repeat.

Your ONS does not fit this^^ Not to mention you confessed it to him.

I understand the value he has in your eyes. Finances seem stable, he is good with his daughter (she is his, correct?) He does not drink too much.

You asked about your unmet needs and if you are allowed to have them. That made me so sad for you. And for your d, and even your h. He won't love you fully or how you need/want to be loved.

He may not know how, and that's a deficit in his life, and creates on in yours. Plus he's modeling for your d (and you are accepting his model) that as long as a man puts food on the table and keeps burglars away,

his "covert contract" is fulfilled. So all of his needs must be met - even if unexpressed. That's b/c he provided the basics, and that tends to be all that type of man believes he needs to do.
What do you want to learn here? And what do you want to teach your d?




But I didn't tell him or scare him into doing anything.for some reason he just did. He gave me his passwords after I found out he was communicating with his ex girlfriend.

So, He wanted you to see what he told her? What do you make of that, now?

I'm not someone who makes threats but I really wanted to leave because I was already unhappy anyway

Understood.

[25yearsmlc]

How do I treat him when he us angry but wants to talk to me?


Meaning, how to react when he's lashing out at you?

It really does not matter that he "wants to talk" to you, if he's unkind or rude.

You react to his Actions/behaviors,

not what you hope his intention is, or what he says he wants.

By way of analogy, your h might say he "wants to connect with you more deeply."

But oops, he thinks humiliating you in public is the correct way to do so.

Do you think you should stick around for more "connecting",

or should you set a boundary about how you'll be treated,

and walk away when the boundary is crossed?

When evaluating what you want in your m, try to see your h as he is, not his potential as a h.

Make sense?

[Lovelyp]

Thanks 25 for taking time to read and respond.
He tried to talk to me and I agreed. H said," I don't understand why you worry if I talk to other ladies when you had s*x with another man. You are being selfish".

I told him it was exactly this kind of talk that led to my depression and things got out of hand. I told him that it is up to him to back his words with actions when he says he wants to work out on marriage. If he still wants to behave out of anger and try to punish me I will leave and file for D. I told him he has to also meet my needs and shldnt not make excuses.

I told him that I don't care about what he says but I'm looking for his actions and from that decide whether to stay or D.

He then kept quiet, after an hour he asked me to tell him my needs that he is not meeting. I told him and he quietly listened.

We had an amazing night. He was trying to implement some things I said. Will see hownit goes today but so far so good. I have a journal where I listed my needs

[Lovelyp]

Now I want forgive and deal with all anger resentment so I can see how things go.

Its difficult to work out a M when you hold on to the past pain.

[25yearsmlc]

Now I want forgive and deal with all anger resentment so I can see how things go.

Its difficult to work out a M when you hold on to the past pain.

Maybe that is why many marriage vows include the words "From this day forward".

You BOTH must let go of that or you will not move forward. You can't move forward if you are looking backwards.

Forgiveness is a learned skill imo. How was forgiveness modeled in your childhood?

And in your h's?

Also his "reasoning" about flirting with OW's is just self serving justification of inappropriate behavior on his part. It is saying he still feels insecure so he gets to hurt you b/c that is how he gets on a level playing field.

Which means he does not know how to lift himself AND OR he wants to hurt or control you.

How long does he think he gets to punish you (b/c that is exactly what it is)?

it's a lot of emotional abuse to endure. And if this is who he is, then you have a lot to think about. Life is short Lovelyp.

So he met your needs for an evening. Good.

The "math" of this is

consistent change + sufficient time = change to believe in.

maybe you can do 30 day chunks of time before monitoring for a change. I am putting the focus on HIS behavior more than yours.

I don't see your behavior in the present as the main problem in the m. Do you?