25yearsMLC 10 Years Later I FILE D part 6

[25yearsmlc]

It is strange to say. And to feel. But it is where the healing happens.

This is the worst part, 25, and you're doing beautifully. Keep up the great work.



thank you Maybell. Except for when I was in the hospital and thought I was dying or permanently brain damaged, this IS the weirdest part.

Wow, as I typed that^^, I realized I wanted to say '

"this is the worst part" but then I hesitated b/c I didn't want to jinx myself.
How neurotic is ^^that?

As if God or the universe is going to punish me for thinking that THIS is the worst part!

("uh, oh, did 25 just say this is the worst part? No way! We'll show her how wrong she was! THIS is the worst part - NOW!!")


Maybell, how did you get through this financial part? It's IMPOSSIBLE not to get emotional, even though I can do the math logically. But a lot is attached to each number. "Oh, that number means h got to do this without me and I was living in my sister's basement. Nice. No problem..." OR "this number means I cannot live in a house in this area, so I need to adjust again...OR move"...

I'm sure to h, raising 3 kids as a single mom (effectively) was a breeze that meant I was eating bon bons watching TV.

Hey, what is a bon bon?? I do want to eat some and send h a photo and say "THIS is me eating a bon bon!" Of course, LATER I might do this...

Settlment wise - It's now more about getting what i need to feel financially safe than it is getting what is fair. I don't think getting what i believe is fair, can happen. Maybe if we were celebrities.

I could go on & on about my career sacrifices & h's pristine resume & work history.

But to be fully honest (& fair to h), i got time with my kids in a nice home, for years. I'm close to them (& i'm sad that h isn't). My kids and I have a lot of memories and laughs and we had great vacations (mostly without h). The kids grew up in a lovely area with great schools. They attended excellent private universities and D20 still is - (no thanks to h)

I hope the kids will ultimately be alright. I do think h is pretty screwed up - some serious distortion in his marital revisions, lots of ironic victimhood. So I worry that someday my kids will pull something like this or suffer in some way, as adults.

My kids are older now, and so I'm not merely projecting about h having a skewed perspective. It is a very distorted view of our family life, amnesia about his long long absences, which he seems to have literally, forgotten. I'm talking 8 of 11 years, off and on. (D20 did the math). H was involved in 90% of the family conflicts, and so now that I know I'll survive without h, and that this D is going to produce more peace in me and more happiness in my future, I find I see him now more realistically. This^^ is usually a good thing, I think.


How go things on the job front side??

Not great. I have never had the experience of not being pursued, professionally. And I'm not licensed here (not in this state or in a nearby state.) There is a hiring freeze as well, so government jobs for lawyers are not existent unless you are politically connected which I am no longer. I can change it up and do better.

Maybell, I have some leads but even those are time consuming and I need more professional clothes too.

Apparently 1999 clothes are NOT what is in.