MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[BrightFuture]

LAJar, welcome to MLC forum. I was reading your updates and some things stroke some similarities to my story.

S came home from school for a visit, so I was happy about that. H is the only father he's ever known, so I worry about how S is dealing with all of this. He's very much like me, private & keeps emotions inside. In the past, I avoided some conversations w/ S for fear of making him feel uncomfortable (and probably myself too). An example that caused a big problem for H & me, I never changed my maiden name & was a sore issue for H. My reasoning was that I didn't want H & me to have one name and S to have another and not feel like part of our family. I never asked S how he felt & when he was younger I still don't know how I would have felt discussing with him. As I got older, I should have brought it up. H told him the one time they spoke since he left, that it was an issue for him. I discussed w/ S and he very nonchanlantly said, If you would have wanted me to change my name, I would have. Uh! Talk about regret for something so simple.

I also have a son from my previous marriage, who my H raised since he was 8. My H never had kid son his own. My son knows his biological father, but there never was and still is not much contact with him, as he lives in a different country. My son’s father never contributed anything for my son. My H was the only father my son knew. I never took the last name of my son’s father, so we had different last names when I married my second H. I took his last name. When my son was 10, we asked him if he would want to change his last name to H’s. He said yes, so we did. We all had the same last name.

Well, this was a subject to some concern after H left. At some point in the first year after the speech and him leaving, he brought up a subject of divorce and along with that mentioned that I would probably would want to change my last name back to my maiden name. Not sure why it was his concern at all, but made me thinking… Mind you, it’s been 5 years since BD, and he hasn’t filed. I thought about the name change and decided that I am going to keep H’s last name for now, for my son’s sake.

My son is also very private person and doesn’t reveal his feelings and thought much. I’m worried about him. Even though he is an adult (he was 24 when H left), I think he “lost” the person he considered to be his father. There was not much communication from H with my son in the first 2-3 years after the BD. There is not much now either (since my son is an adult), but I think it got better.

It is great that the family supporting you. And it is also so typical for them to not understand all the MLS stuff and advice you to get out of this situation and move on. I’ve been there… Even had some heated discussions with my family.

I don’t really know how to advise you on the house. I didn’t have the same situation. I was a main breadwinner, and I could afford the house, which I still have. H singed it off to me in the first year after BD (I guess he didn’t want to be in this house and deal with it so badly, LOL), and I took it.
I second peace’s “hang in there friend”… and GAL advice. I personally think you are doing much better than I did at the beginning of my story. Take care of yourself.