Jos-9, I'll check out your thread and respond there. The money/support factor is tough because of course you want your W & kids to have what they need. You also don't want to be taken advantage of. Usually best in these sitches to look at it very objectively, all emotions aside, and proceed with how the law (or your L) says you should. And no, none of this is easy to figure out!
Chris, I am so glad you have some great GAL planned! Allow yourself to put all thoughts of her aside and enjoy your time! Don't respond to anything unless there is a real emergency with the kids. You deserve to be your own independent person and have fun!
Pain, you bring up some great points! And I agree that d-ck was not the best word choice. I picked it because it seems the opposite of being a MNG, and some of these guys need to turn the nice off because it is just making them appear like a doormat! Reading here for several years now, I have learned a thing or two--especially from Sandi--and these WWs really are master manipulators! If they see a strong man with firm boundaries in front of them, they will learn to respect him, and they will more likely second guess themselves in time. Especially when they realize that he will not wait and be plan B.
Let me try and clarify the best I know how:
- be a d--k yet treat her like a neighbor/coworker?
What if I told the extreme MNGs to be more d-ckish than sweet in their demeanor? I like the neighbor/coworker analogy, but lets add to that some indifference to boot. How do you do that? Minimize contact, don't try and be too friendly in conversation, don't show interest in what she is doing or ask questions, be pleasant but not friendly, don't share what you are doing or try to proove you are busy/GAL, exit communication first. Basically follow the 37 rules. Example: you know that person in your life, maybe in middle school, that had a giant crush on you, and you didn't like them at all, but you could just feel that they were trying too hard, or waiting around, or even pretending to not like you so you would notice? Stop being THAT guy! Nobody wants THAT guy! This is less about being a d-ck or a neighbor and more about being a strong, confident man that knows he deserves a woman that respects him and values him, and he will not settle for anything less. So until she shows herself as THAT woman, he has no interest in being friends, doing favors, or waiting for her. - grow b@lls/don't be doormat yet don't argue and avoid any type of negative interaction
I am not sure who said to not argue? I mean no one would suggest being confrontational or starting an argument, sure. However if she comes at you with all the drama and/or negatively, you can listen, validate, not engage, respectfully stand your ground, and then disengage/exit. Trying to be agreeable (when you don't agree) in hopes that she will come back around or like you more, does not work and is doormat behavior. I think you can be a strong and confident man with b@lls an do that effectively, so I am not sure that are really an opposition. - detach yet validate her feelings?
I don't see these as opposing either. Detachment is the ultimate goal for all of us here. There is great info on detachment all over this site. The idea is that we all need to break codependency with our S, to no longer let their words or actions control us, and to live/act for ourselves and to not "win" them back. Validation is an entirely different topic. There is also loads of info all over this site. Validation is something that we can all improve on and in all of our Rs, not just with our S. I think good validation technique is really listening to another person, accepting that their position is real for them, and then acknowledging back that you hear and accept what they say. (not to be confused with agreeing with them or being a doormat) My H is a master validator and I swear I cannot even argue with the man sometimes!
- give her time and space yet try to make the A as difficult as possible?
Yes to the time and space. There is always more time. Our need to move quickly and see results quickly is fear based and our fears alone. Who said to make the A as difficult as possible? That sounds like someone struggling with detachment. No one can really control their S and what they choose to do with their OP (A). All we can control is ourselves and becoming the better option over time. There are some people that say that exposure of the A leads to a quicker death, but there are others that have had the opposite reaction and it drew them closer. ... Now, that does not mean we should make their A easy on them, "sure, I'll take the kids last minute tonight so you can go out all night!" Again, different things. - similar ones I can't think of right now
Please try to! This is really hard stuff!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
