Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[Painful]

Painful,

If one of your friends came to you and told you that his wife was having an affair, what would you tell him? You'd probably tell him that he shouldn't put up with that behavior from his wife and that he should toss her out and move on. The problem with many of us nice guys is that we have the opposite reaction; we beg and plead and try to do everything possible that we believe will save the marriage. Unfortunately, what saves the marriage is exactly opposite of that inclination to be the perfect husband and showing all of our love and affection. You have to show the spouse that you're just fine without them; show the spouse you're ready to move on (and you need to sincerely believe that).

So, I think "being a d-ck" is bit of a misnomer. It's more along the lines of showing via actions that you're not going to put up with the cheating sh*t and you're moving on to greener pastures without having a third party in your marriage.

You're absolutely correct - that is what I always thought I'd tell anyone with a cheating WW UNTIL it happened to me; I think it's the case for most of us. I had (and still have) my guy friends tell me exactly those words but I can bet $$$millions that any one of them would sing a totally opposite tune in a second and would beg and plead with their WW like all of us if it happened to them. I now truly believe that all of that "tough" talk is posturing and complete misunderstanding of what it feels like to face losing a family. On top of that just the thought of some d--khead idiot OM possibly being involved in raising your kids is simply terrifying.

Maybe Blu can clarify what she means by being a d--k. If it is simply not putting up with the wayward ways, that's one thing. That's where I am at presently - distant yet very civil. But it feels insufficient. The way I'm reading Blu's statement though is that she means a tougher approach, and that's where I'm struggling to find the middle ground just like the other members she mentioned in her post.