Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[BluWave]

I hope I wasn't too harsh and I did not mean to do a "we told you so," I promise. I like you tho and I think you are a nice guy. I also think you deserve far better than to be pining over a woman that is Ding you and most likely cheating. When we are heart broken, we so desperately want our life back, that we can lose perspective of our own value. That is what I like about DB--the ultimate goal is becoming stronger and a better self, not just winning someone back. That doesn't actually work. Tricking our S back is not the M anyone wants.

To me, once people "give up", thats when DBing actually starts.

I agree with what Kaizen wrote. Here is my take on it. We can all come here and follow the 37 rules--DB, GAL, 180, etc--but we are somewhat faking it until we make it. The "faking it" are the actions that we do, so that ultimately we are "making it," which are the actual feelings of detachment and the "giving up." I don't mean to get all hippy dippy, but the S can feel an energy shift that happens when we "give up." Even just reading the posts here, we can feel who is still clinging and who it entering detachment. You mention that it will come in time, but I am suggesting otherwise--you have to work hard at it. You have to continually position yourself--physically and mentally--so that you can let go.

Even if you are doing all the correct things, she still feels your attachment to her. Being a MNG makes this all the more challenging for you. It is ingrained in you to be kind and considerate of her. It is very hard for you to see that this kills any attraction for her. She knows that she can have you back in the snap of a finger. So until you actually change your actions, and then your thinking, so that this is no longer true, she will not even consider a R. Once you decide you deserve better than to be treated this way, you can start to let go--she will feel it and we will read it here in your writing. This has become very apparent to me in the threads here--I can tell who is working towards detachment and who is not, and the ones that are, are seeing more results.

So how do you change this? Here is the thing, our personal actions are very powerful over our feelings. There is a TED talk that encourages people to stand up tall and position themselves in a strong and powerful stance before walking into a meeting or interview where they may otherwise feel intimidated. So that is a small example. It will be a conscious daily effort for you to position yourself into a man that is strong, confident, and knows that he deserves a W that respects him and desires him. You have so start living each day doing things that will lead you to this belief system. Then as I adopt these beliefs, do things that reinforce them, I can feel closer to him.

So my H is a MNG big time. We have been piecing for 2.5 years, but after his betrayal, it has been very hard for me to settle into a M with him. I have to make a conscious choice often to do what I believe is the right thing and then my feelings slowly catch up. The M program we are in makes it very clear that M is a choice, love is a choice, and forgiveness is a choice. All verbs. This goes against every fiber of my being so I have to keep doing things that reinforce this belief system. (none of this is romantic, trust me)

You know what keeps me from being a WAW? He is a darn good DBer naturally! (I have never told him details about the book/site and have asked him to respect my privacy, which I believe he has) He has read the MNG book and he has worked on himself and his boundaries. He is an expert validator. He does not pursue when I pull back. He is mastering no longer being a doormat, and actually sometimes he can be firm when he stands up to me. He checks me when I need it. He never used to be this way! He has learned to demand respect and even though I know the game (all the rules he is mastering), it still works on me! You see, before his A and our separation, he was very much a people pleaser and had poor boundaries. Even though I didn't leave him, I can see that I didn't respect him for this NG behavior.

I know our sitches our different, but my point is that women are attracted to strong and confident men. My H is one of the nicest guys I know. I still hear this from friends and family (and yes they know he had an A and had bailed). But that is not what keeps me from leaving him. It is that he has learned to respect himself and he has strong boundaries now. He has had to work really hard at this and it has not come naturally for him.

So yes, I am suggesting that you start being more of a d-ck to your wife. (you and Parkema/Mark). She is betraying you in the worst way and so it confuses her (and turns her off) that you continue to be so nice. Start pretending that you are that guy that doesn't want a lying, cheating, crying, selfish, manipulating W. Because I promise you, your W, wants that guy.

Blu