Rebuilding my life #2

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=lcause]You should know they never do tests or the tests aren't accurate.


I don't want to belabor the ^^^point, but I was tested for depression after my dad died. I assumed I was simply in grief and that it would resolve in time. But after my youngest asked me if I would "always be sad", I made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

He handed me a sheet of questions and discussed each one at length. Told me I scored 17/20 for major depressive episode.

Tests do exist. (Yes, LC I'm sure you'd score similarly.) My point is not to make you wrong, but to suggest a lot of confirmation bias & so maybe your outlook has that too.

LC, you said your doctor is not helping you and that you would like to see another. You don't need me to agree (but I sure do).

Just explain what has not worked, and what you are looking for, and maybe maybe what you think.

Also, any chance you'd consider ECT? It's very different than it was in the 60's.


I feel down always. The only way I feel "happy" is to either do something for someone else or convince myself that I'm a good dude. That's just shallow and never lasts.

Yes you said the "only way" you feel happy is if the recipient praises and thanks you for the task you did.
Yes you say that's shallow (b/c it relies on external validation from others) and cannot last unless they are praising you nonstop 24/7. Agreed. So that part is clear.

Convincing yourself that you deserve and can be happy, seems like a worthy goal we all have and all work at. Can you work on believing it?

What about that workshop I mentioned to you, in Philadelphia? Do you recall that? I have flown in from Alaska, Texas, California, to help participants so I obviously think it's worth it. Several DBers have gone and all said they got a lot out of it. "Life changing" is a phrase used often.

Sometimes it takes continuous work to make a breakthrough instead of just weekly T, even with a great T.

I would assume meds are going to be part of your recovery anyway, and that's fine. Been there, done that.


I can't start doing anything. Even doing dishes has felt a task I can't complete. F#ck, if there's a picture I need to hang to the wall it might seem like an impossible task for me.


This ^^resonates more than you may know.

FWIW, I'm living alone for the first time in my life. My mom's painting is still not hung up and I have not filed the ton of papers in my "office" even though I finally got a filing cabinet --my sports car was too small to pack it so I just didn't get one till my sister forced me.

I've been here for months. Small things seem to defeat me ("oh, I don't have filing tabs...SO I can't do the paperwork for the divorce...so all those papers in that room will be....there..."

"Oh, Mom's painting is heavy and requires 2 people to hang...and only my dog is here at the moment so unless she gets opposable thumbs soon...guess I'll just leave it where it is in my bedroom on the floor, instead of asking one of my loved ones to help...")

If not for the seizures I had last fall, I'd for sure be on AD's. In lieu of them or in addition, I have a great T and LC, the hardest thing is that I have committed to taking her advice even when I absolutely do NOT feel like it. Which is mostly the case
It's a classic case of Being Stuck.

No, LC, pushing myself out there is not a "Cure". OMG I really get that. The "up" I feel is temporary but isn't that always the case?

I mean, my mind races with different thoughts and I don't consistently think "one thought" b/c we are in dynamic lives. No such thing as being happy, always.

Our moods never last - we encounter new tasks, weather, events, people, etc.
I think happy people are resilient and resilience is a skill we can develop like a muscle, we can exercise it.

Sheryl Sandberg cites research that supports this theme in her book "Option B". (She's the Facebook CEO who lost her h suddenly, 2 years ago.)


LC, I'm still very hurt and angry and I have to redirect my thoughts (CBT) daily and sometimes hourly. I was married to h for 2/3 of my life. Marriage is a hard habit to break.

LC, we have a bit more in common than you realize. Maybe it's b/c I'm older and the severe depression I had when my dad died, illuminated my path to healing.


The trigger for me getting help was my then 4 y/o d. Such a sweet little one, like yours is.

You do have little ones who need you to show them what it's like to be hurt deeply, and to heal and recover anyhow.

If you don't think or want to do this for yourself, do it for them.

Since you derive happiness from doing for others, Do for your kids. In their way they will thank you, and you don't want to go on in life knowing you taught them that depression was "just the way it is" for them.

(When I imagine my kid's in their own heartbreak, and then imagine their defeat, or worse... I shudder. And I get my a$$ in gear. If that helps you, use it.)


Know that Someday each of your children will face a setback, or suffer heartbreak.

Show them how to heal. Show them that happiness is worth creating.

You can do this.