How do I get things right?

[Lovelyp]

I had an A so do I have the right to complain abt my unmet needs now or endure and be so unhappy

I want to come back to your question, but first I have a question for you. If your H was here, how do you think he would describe the MR.......and mostly what would he say about you?

If my H was here he would probably say that:
You pushed me away from you when you started to control me, disrespect me and you have too much pride. You got into the marriage ready to fight and avoid being a doormat but when you realised I am the opposite of what you expected you did not change that approach and instead you took advantage of the fact that I am soft and understanding. I noticed you don't like to loose so that's why I decided to be passive and let you have everything your way. Earlier on in this marriage I noticed if I don't compromise we will be fighting so I withdrew for the sake of peace. I was feeling disrespected for too long and I have so much resentment up to a point that I started boiling inside and started saying bad things which I didn't really mean.

The main problem that led to your A is that growing up you were so spoiled and used to get attention and you came into the marriage expecting that. You have all these other needs I meet and you keep focusing on what I don't do and that led you to the A. You need counselling so that you learn how to handle M problems.

I think we have had problems but they were not serious that they would lead to A. You just decided the fate of everyone involved when you let this OM into your life. I would say we were OK before this A because every M has problems.

I think the M can be saved, if both of you get professional guidance and are willing to do hard work from now on......indefinitely. It sounds as if he needs educated about relationships and what women need and feel. From reading your posts, it makes me wonder about his upbringing and his male role models' influence on him.

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He was brought up in a broken home. His father used to work long hours and delay going home. He was never around and was passive. He would feel overwhelmed and had even neglected his duties to support the kids and the wife was always complaining but he was not bothered at all. Weekends he would opt to work or visit his relatives alone.

Do you have a right to complain about unmet needs and endure unhappiness? You have a right to have your needs met. You have a right to be happy. Complaining about it to your H, doesn't seem to be working. In all fairness, that's how some of us try to inform our S of our needs.........but they mistranslate. Your A did not help the MR, but neither did it destroy it. From the way I read your account, the MR was in serious trouble, prior the A. You made the decision to do the right thing. Has your H forgiven you, or is he punishing you?

Yes he says he forgives me but some days he says otherwise. He is so angry and some days get depressed about it. He says the A made him loose confidence in himself as a H and trust in me. Based on my character he says I'm the last person he expected to cheat and it's so difficult for him to accept what happened. He wants to be with me but is scared he might loose me to someone else. He wants to address underlying issues but he thinks I need to either be in an open marriage with him so I can have my needs met to avoid the pain he is having when dealing with betrayal.
For now he is having all different reactions and his emotions all over. I know I shldnt make conclusions based on what he says because he is hurt.

I know how it feels to go for years with unmet needs, and not feeling happy in my MR. Something I use to hear on the board when I first joined was that we are responsibile for our own happiness. It is not the responsibility of my H to "make" me be happy.........and that was a big pill of truth I had to swallow. FWIW, I think I know what you mean. Why have you stayed and endured unmet needs?

I really had hope that if I continue talking he will change. However I got so unhappy, resentful and felt worse after enduring. I am a Christian and I don't believe in divorce. To be honest he is better and more willing to talk than before the A.









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