Pool lessons

[Zues126]

Hi J! Thanks for the note.

I think I used a poor example with ghost. I didn't mean that I am a shell of myself, that I'm dragging around the earth, anything like that. Quite the opposite. I am alive and passionate.

What I meant was that I have given up trying to connect with other people in this world. Maybe I should have said a turtle.
It's like we all need a little personal space and a little time on our own. When we need this space and time we find ourselves withdrawing from others a little until we catch up on our deficit. Well, with me I've been withdrawing and withdrawing and withdrawing, like there is no distance I can achieve from the world that is enough.

Oh, I can still walk and talk and interact. I get fired up every day, pour my heart into my work and serve my customers with enthusiasm, work hard on my pool game, and I DO have real connections with my children and cherish the time I have with them. But I need my forcefields on to leave the house, and I don't lower them until I'm back home.

I don't have any problems with this. It may seem a little unhealthy, but I have seen how the rest of the world plays with each other, and it's rougher than I want to play. Things don't work the way it seems like they should for me and I know when I'm in a bad game. I don't want to be healed because I'd prefer my distance. At least at this time.

Had a weird dream just now. Not sure why it matters, but I felt like sharing with my DB crew. I dreamed that me and XW were living together. NOT remairried or together, but just living together. Like somehow the courts ordered us to move in together for the kids or financial reasons. In my dream it was so strange. On the one hand I felt like I wanted her to see me in a positive light, to maybe one day love me again. And it felt impossible that she couldn't, because I am her man, and I am a good man, and I am an awesome man, and this whole divorce thing still seems like a stupid angry lash out that got out of control because she was overwhelmed with resentment and didn't know how to avoid that buildup over the years. It seemed like any day she'd realize how stupid it all was and that she had overreacted and come back to me. But on the other hand, I didn't want her love. I mean, I did, more than anything, kind of. But I wanted a love from her that I didn't have to doubt. That I didn't have to fear being short lived and subject to change with her moods. That I didn't have to live with as broken, in a shadow of a memory of a bunch of other men in her life. So while we lived together I was still trying to be my best self and I longed for her acceptance, all while I would never have been able to get close to her again.

Then I woke up and as I type this I guess this is probably true for many of us. And actually, maybe that's also the best way I can explain how I feel about the world I live in as a whole and why I am withdrawn.

Anyway, quick update. I am heading to Beloit, WI, to the Carom Room for a pool tournament. When I say this it probably sounds pretty straight forward. "Oh, he likes to play pool, he's going to play pool, he's having fun doing his hobby."

Well, it's not that easy. I go through more emotional stages with a pool tournament than I can count. See, this tournament isn't just a local event. Quite a few of the world's best will be there. This even has grown to be quite savage, an unofficial bar table 10 ball championship.

So I start off by being excited. I get to play the best in the world!

Then I get alarmed. I better get practicing! Time to make sure my game is all set!

Then I get more excited. I'm hitting the balls really well!

Then I get discouraged. I realize that my best case scenario would probably be to scalp a couple of world champions and make a deep run (last year I took 4th and beat the #1 seed 8-2 but if felt like lightning in a bottle). But that even if I win it nothing will really change. That whatever I thought I'd accomplish through pool won't happen, that I'll always work for a living, that I am who I am and a pool title won't make anything any different.

Then I get frustrated. I am too tired to practice because I am working my rear off the last week. This is totally not fair. I am already the underdog. These guys are a murderer's row. Alex Pagulayan?!? He's been a hero to me for 15 years since I saw him in the finals of the US Open. These guys play every day, hours a day, they travel and play in championship events weekly. They are all better than me by leaps and bounds. And that's not enough, I have to spot them the handicap that my only preparation will be a 15 minute session where I zombie walk around the table, clawing at the balls for a few minutes before I collapse back into my bed and fall asleep watching a chess video? Seriously, this is stupid. I have zero chance.

Then I get depressed. How did I let my dreams escape me. How did it come to this? I traded my pursuit to be the best in for a normal life, and then was chewed up and spit out. Now I'm stuck with the remains. I'll never be the player I want to be. It's too late for me. I can improve a little, but I've fought for 20 years to improve and it's taken SOOOOOOOOOOO much work, truly water from a rock. There's no way I can close the gap between me and these 23 year old gun slingers that play every day and have zero fear. And even if there was a chance, some small chance I could, well...I have to go to work to take care of my kids, and I have to read to them, and I have to spend my energy there. I'll struggle for a few more years until my eye sight fades and my arms develop the trembles and then I'll just be a memory in the pool scene. A foot note on a few magazine pages.

Now I have to start a 5 hour drive. I'm still feeling pretty down about it all. I'll have some caffeine, it will be good to have the weekend off if nothing else and to hang out with my best friend in the car. Once I get there then I'll become nervous, or even terrified. Then we'll see how it goes. Maybe I smooth out and play well, maybe I fall apart and spew off opportunities. It is what it is. I've seen it all before. I guess my point was just to share that these events put me through the emotional ringer. Ha, and I registered for the US Open next month. Talk about an exercise in futility. I feel so out of place all over these days.

Thanks for having a small place for me here guys.