Any Advice?

[25yearsmlc]

W works for the school system at the moment, unless they catch on that she has been using theschool to conduct her affair as well ( Having OM deliver gifts to her there, using the computer there to order him gifts)

Wait...is she having sex at the school or are you referring to the possibility that she ordered something for OM from her work computer? And you think this^^^ will get her fired? (I don't.)

Please STOP and think for a second. You are letting your anger spiral and the urge to

DO SOMETHING is taking over you.

If your w ordered a gift for you last Christmas you would never dream of that being a problem. No you would not. You need to take a breath.

But even if I did think it would somehow hurt her job, what are you doing?? What is your goal with that? There are no scarlet letters. I'm not being a jerk, i get the anger you feel.

All LBS hurt. We are human. And we want our spouses to know and understand our pain. But too often we think the way to do that is to inflict pain on them.
That is not the path of honor and strength. And it's so not effective to foster a reconciliation.


How does harming her career help you? (Down the road, if she wins the lottery, will that take food off your table?)

Do you see my point? It feels like a contest, I know. But it's not. Even if it were, all you really control is your end.

Be the better choice, Not the only one employed.

Be well, heal, lead a happy life. That is so much more likely to elicit her second guessing herself that you harming her or OM's jobs.



She has told her Principal a modified version of our sitch, however she now feels like the principal is , as she put it, "Harassing her " for no reason.

I have not turned him in yet, I am struggling hard with that decision. I had these ideas of different outcomes if i did. Based on your experiences, what effect would this have on my W in the current climate?

I noticed you asked Sandi but I'll give you some free advice you are free to ignore.

Harming the career of your W or her AP will create more hurdles for any reconciliation.
. Have you read the DB books??

Your approach is not in them.

It's like you are fueling her negative images of you and the marriage, and you are giving her more reason to flee.

Right into OM"s arms.

I am not into blaming the LBS for affairs. That is on her I'm with you there..

But you are responsible for how you behave now.




on one hand i see it as a tool, one that will move him out of the picture, and potentially force him to decide between a 30 year career and my W he has known for 6 months. To be honest with you, i also saw it as a tool of revenge

I don't think anyone doubts this^^^is for revenge.


for everything i have been throught during this ordeal. Payback if you will. He has been an active, willing participant in the destruction of my family, fully aware of the risks, and should face his own set of consequences.


May DB coach told me this ---- thing is, [b]it's Not your job to punish them. It's not your job to "teach them a lesson".

Life does that.

Where is your GAL focus? How are you doing any detaching?

All I see is you reacting and spending your energy on how to punish OM or her or strategize about hurting them even at your own legal peril .
[/b]



-. I am starting to have some clarity in that i seem to focus more on him than my situation at present.


Life is made up of a finite amount of time/energy

How much of this ^^^^do you want to spend on this?

Don' live a life motivated by anger and pain. It's no way to live.


I do see benefit in reporting him, I see him as the root holding this all together ,

did you see Sandi's comments about how LBH's feel this way ^^

and miss the main point?

To paraphrase her, OM is not the root holding all this together. Your focus is misplaced.
.


however i also feel my attention is misplaced on him. So Should I turn him in, or let it go and work on the sitch here on the home front and let life take care of him? I had this crazy thought when i first mentioned it that he would tuck tail and run, however this did not happen as i thought it might.



What if you focused on yourself and your life and your son, instead of letting the desire for revenge take over your life?


- I was even planning on going to the lake on my own if i had too, and just sit wan watch a movie to get out of the house and give her the impression i was out on the town having some fun for a change.

what if you did have fun for real? I think the more you GAL (true GAL) the more peace you will find and the less spinning.

You cannot spin the way you have been. It's not good for you OR for your son.

Model for your son how a man of strength and honor copes with heartbreak by recovering and moving forward, living his life well.

IF & when your w wants to re-enter the m, cross that bridge when you get to it.

Here is an exercise my T gave me long ago, which may help you.

Imagine just for 3 minutes, that your had gotten sick and passed away. Imagine that enough time had passed that you and your son had started to heal and filled in the gaps her loss had created.

Imagine that you missed her but that you were happy, anyhow.

What would that mean? Would you move or travel more? Where?

Would you take up a hobby? Take any classes or learn a new language?

What about a musical instrument? Any new things you and your son might do? A car restoration or repair? Home projects you enjoy? An art form??

Would you change careers or your shift work, and if so, to what? How about new athletics or you joining or coaching a team?

Would you do any type of work out exercise that you have not made time for yet?

What about volunteering somewhere?

Would you begin to attend church or go to a new one, or join an outreach program of theirs?

What would you be doing if your w was out of your life, but you were happy, anyhow?


Of these ^^ things,

which can you do, now?