I know why he is hurt. I have apologized and asked for forgiveness. I believe I have got over his EAs. I don't bring them up anymore. I always now put thought into my words before speaking. And yes you are right. Being vulnerable makes me uneasy. The EAs hurt me. I have never felt so worthless in my life before. It took me a long time to heal from that. I still have triggers. But I can manage them much much better now. My H needs validation and acceptance for him to feel happy. He always looks to the outside for his happiness. His brothers are like that as well. My H is very negative. He has an anxiety issue that he won't deal with that comes out in anger. It gets frustrating to deal with that. To be told that you are wrong even tho you absolutely know you are right. I totally get what you are saying. And please believe me when I say I am being patient. I come to work with a smile on my face and no longer let his moods affect me. I wasn't like that before. I always gave out what I got. Now I try to look beneath the surface of why he is upset and try to come up with a solution. It took me a while but I finally get that I can't change his ways. Just me. Which is what I am doing. Because if I do get into another relationship I don't want to carry the bad baggage with me. I have realized that if he can't let go of his anger I need to let him go. He is always telling me to move on from his EAs. So I worked hard and I did. But he is still Stuck. I don't want to stay in that dark bitter place anymore.
My d is a competitive dancer. I am constantly on the road with her. Every night. So my IC said that he could take some of that load off me.
My fear of pursuing is because I don't want him feeling trapped or pressured. He made a remark a long time ago that he felt stifled. So I don't want him feeling that way. He knows I want him home. I have come right out and said it. But I have also said most recently It's ok if he wants to end it. Whatever he wants I will support. GAL is getting easier. I joined a book club. I'm doing renos to my house. Working out. I checked out divorce care here but our chapter is shut down right now.
Thank you for your advice as always. It helps to see the different perspective.
