Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[25yearsmlc]

Just finished a 90-minute "table discussion" with my W. I feel like I've been run over by a truck. The full impact of breaking up a family doesn't really hit you until you go through the details.

You are Not kidding. I'm confident both h & i underestimated the "gross" factor. It's horrific to me.


W and I negotiated through all of the financials and came up with numbers that we both agree on.

I'm very impressed.


It wasn't until we started talking about dividing up the holidays that things got difficult. Every time my W started talking about how she's going to be on her own, looking for a new place, furnishing it, etc. she would start to cry.


After this happened a few times I looked her in the eyes and said, "You don't HAVE to do this. We can put the breaks on and try to find another way to make us both happy." But she didn't respond.


I think you are done reminding her. But make sure your tone isn't a punitive one "I'll show you! See??"

I don't know why I always feel the need to remind her that I don't want to get divorced. Sometimes I think she forgets because I'm being so compliant with the divorce arrangements.

She has not forgotten. MAYBE she's simply upset about the cost of a choice she is making. OR maybe she thinks you'd hold this over her head like the sword of Damocles, or that things are too far gone, so that she'd never be able to recover from it.

All you can "do" about that^^, is be kind (not doormat) and polite. No more blindingly obvious statements like you do "not have to do" this. Something about that comment strikes me as not the way you wanted it to sound. I'm speculating, obviously.


Nothing to do about that now. Let it go.


Anyway, the discussion continued and we basically settled everything: her buyout price for the house, child support amount, division of retirement assets, shared custody schedule, holiday schedule.

I'm so relieved for you. At this point, the money is by far the hardest part for me b/c h has truly irrational numbers in his head - or so his L claims.


Now she's gone and I have the pleasure of trying to concentrate on work until I need to pick up the kids from school. God I need a drink. Is 10 am too early for bourbon?!

well obviously that depends on where you live...

I understand the desire to numb all this. Sometimes I think in some form I did that during the m the past several years. No, not with alcohol (much) But I refused to see things that would invalidate my choice to stay.

IF that applies to you at all, consider it. My T says the only way through all this to the other side, is through it.

I wonder though. Seriously, it sounds so obvious and true that we accept it.

I know my h has not worked thru his emotions. He had/has OW and claims/ed he is "in love" and "SO HAPPY!" Was mad that our kids did not embrace his adulterous affair. (Seriously).

Of course that all sukks for me to hear, but in my head I do know it sounds weird.
Forget the moral part, just consider the decision to end a long m and then to be or act surprised at the costs. WTF?

**the problem with all this^^^ is that we project our values/personalities and moral compass onto our spouses. I'm not saying they are "wrong" and we are "Right" so much as
that we are baffled by their choices b/c we would not make those choices.

It's time consuming to keep pondering the obvious.

Make sense?