Trying to stay above water 2

[25yearsmlc]

I 100% know they do not know each other. I would have thought that as pursuing so that is why I didn't say anything to that effect and just sloughed it off as she could have him.


While I understand your ^^^^ thinking, the "37 rules" are guidelines only. That is one of the remarks in Sandi's preamble.

We each have to see what fits our situations. In your case, I don't see complimenting your h as pursuit, so much as a 180 (no offense). Plus, saying she "can have him" is an insult. It's not merely not pursuing.

If you see nothing hurtful in your remark to the woman yesterday, I fear that's part of an underlying problem.

You seem unaware of the ways in which you hurt your h. So it's natural that you are confused that he's still hurt.



H and I talked a bit about the r last night via text. Nothing specific but I can tell he is still hurt and light years away from coming home. He just won't let go.

^^^this is sort of dismissive mind reading - which you are using to get yourself off the hook. And it begs the question, why is he hurt? (No skimming, dig deep & face).

My h used to say that our d's "refuse to let go" of the hurt caused by h's long absences from home - (several years).

He seemed to believe spending a few days on a trip and muttering a vague half hearted "sorry I wasn't around so much" would change it all. And when it did not, he used their "refusals" as an excuse to blame them for the damaged relationship AND for throwing in the towel. Even now, he is sad about how they have not spoken to him in a year, as opposed to how he has hurt THEM deeply.

You've sort of vaguely said you have a temper -& call that "owning" your part, and that you like to get everything out in the open for conflict resolution. Your h feels differently - obviously. Perhaps if you two learned to resolve conflict without any rancor or resentment or blame, it would happen.

But the assignment of blame and a certain defensiveness does arise in you quickly, and from what you have written, some of it on his end as well.

You cannot change HIS approach, only yours.


Like I said. He is now grasping onto anything to keep being angry over me. Even a mutual friend sees it. And mentioned it.

why would the friend mention this to you?

My IC wants me to broach the subject of him taking the kids an extra night/ evening during the week. Since he refuses to take them 50/50. He says he can't find a house big enough for all of them live comfortably. Which is in correct.

why does your C or you want him to take the kids more? is it really so they can have more quality time or b/c you want to show him the consequences of his actions? Are you teaching him a lesson?

There are lots of houses out there. But I don't force the subject yet. So that is why my IC told me to ask him to take them an extra evening. So he can do some of the driving for the kids instead of it resting all on my shoulders. He was doing some complaining last night about having to split assests. Everything he worked for gone. In the past I have said that he should think about coming home then. But that is considered pursuing.

Calling that^^ pursuit is debatable. I'd say it's more like you want to show him how much he will suffer for leaving you. It's a negative pressure form, not a carrot, just a stick.

To me, your fear of "pursuing" seems to me to theme for you & I cannot tell if it is a fear of rejection that you are hiding behind, or an excuse to stop making changes.



I said instead that I always hoped that it would never come to this point. That we could work things out. But he seems adamant on this divorce and this is the next logical step.

meaning what?

. I also said I was a bit tired of him giving me grief over the division of assets in a divorce that he wants and I don't. I was patient and did not speak from emotion. Or at least I don't think I did.

I guess basically part of me has given up.

Yes, and let's ask why.

Hen, you said yourself that your changes are recent origin, whereas the BD is a year old. Relatively speaking, can you see why he'd doubt the changes? IF SO, I'd remind you that your changes are for the m, the family and for you.

If you are ever again in a romantic relationship, these^^^ changes will deepen your connection & commitment. Brene Brown writes about "wholehearted" people. She has data that measures (as best you can) how they love and live more authentically.

The common factor they have is the willingness to be vulnerable. My concern is that vulnerability is just too uncomfortable for you, & so you want to push him away - in case he does not welcome you back into his arms. And soon.

Just consider ^^this, okay?


It's a long hard road. And do I wait for him and waste more time or do I just move forward.

if you working on the m feels like you are waiting and wasting more time, then I'd advise you to adjust that dramatically. Maybe read that detachment piece again?

It's also a long lonely road and I miss having a partner to talk about my day with and spend time with.

Oh wow, believe me, I get this^^^. (Truly!!) I do have family nearby, thank God. I believe you do as well, but regardless, reach out to work on that loneliness. I don't think the split holidays will consist of us sitting all alone in our homes, looking out a window at all the happy families.

Only a small circle of friends gets my "divorce news" updates. They are supportive friends. Do you have such a group?

And You and I both have children. Although they don't get involved in the divorce, they do love me and enjoy our time together. I know the same is true for you.

Try to let that^^ nurture you more, without dragging you into a question session about their dad. (Again, I get the temptation to ask!!)

GAL in a way that introduces you to more people, preferably new people. It is a great distraction that ultimately can be very fulfilling, not just a filler for time.

I really have connected with some of my new friends in the DivorceCare group. See if your area has one b/c I don't think it's unique to America. And churches and women's centers and family centers often have support groups that help. FYI the groups I have joined have never been just circles of self pity. People there want to be healthy and happy and we do things together. Last night I went to a concert with a woman from DivorceCare. I had fun. No references to h BUT I COULD HAVE if need be.

Hen, you have to do all this^^^ type of things no matter what. Why not start now, so the pain of his absence is less acute?

And finally, how would you pushing harder for the divorce help you with any of the loneliness or rest of ^^^^ this?

The rush for certainty over uncertainty, can often lead us down a road we really did not want. Sometimes we think "oh, if I push for certainty then my spouse will jump back to this side of the fence."

It backfires a lot.


And his anger of me is really wearing me down. I am the best I can be. And like I said he still finds issues to be angry about.

If your positive changes are for you and your life, no need for change there. Don't attach expectations of him b/c you are becoming a happier woman.

If he wants to be angry at OR around you, while you are humming a song and smiling at customers, there will be a moment of clarity for him. And frankly, he won't factor in your behavior, which is at it should be.

Question - what would change if you divorced now?

Do you think your life would be meaningfully easier? If so, weigh it all out and make a choice.

And know that this does get better.