Any Advice?

[sandi2]

My son has aspbergers autism and is very active, and the small apartment restricted his movements and was not good for him. I moved back into our house because she could not afford to pay the payment and keep up with the bills. She did not think out any of this before hand and was acting on impulse and guidance from the OM. He told her to get me out of the picture because i was hindering communication. He manipulates the hell out of her, and she doesnt realize it. My son heard them facetiming the other day while i was at work and OM told my wife to do what ever she could to stop me from turning him in. I

Okay, so you are under the same roof. Is she currently employed outside of the home, and share in covering expenses? Does she do her share at home and with your son? I forgot to check the age of you child. Is he in school?

Let me get this straight, b/c I thought you had already reported OM. Now, as I read your latest post, you have not reported him......but you informed your WW what you were thinking of doing.......and, of course, she alerts OM. Is this correct. If not, please tell me.

It would be wonderful if she would get her eyes opened by OM wanting her to dump you so to save his own hide.......and then see how quickly he pulls away when his military career is threatened. If he can manipulate her, he may think he can do the same with you. He will work through your WW to manipulate your decision to report him. In the future, do not warn, or threaten, what you may do if the A continues. Your threats will be ignored.

Her threats now mean nothing because she had stated a month ago she wanted a life with him and not me anyway, so what difference does it make if she hates me now? Obviously she isnt fond of me or there would be no A. She continuously runs hot and cold, she gets angry as hell when the affair is brought up, and is happy as a lark when there is no0 mention of it. She acts as if this all has nver happened, like it was last year

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If you will read my WW threads, you will see how her current actions are nothing more than smoke & mirrors to give you the delusion she might reconsider if you just won't report her lover.

The only fear i have is the fear that she will not respond to detachment, GAL, and 180 if she knows i turn him in. That will either be her loss to bring her out of the fog or drive her farther in.

Let me see if I can give a short answer about her loss. The H can stop enabling her. He can stop rescuing her and fixing her problems. He can take away benefits he provided for her as his wife. He can take away his support. He can take himself out of her life. In many cases, the cumulation of things she loses .......and reality tearing down her fantasy.......will work together in turning her around in the right direction. But sometimes, it may be a loss that you would never think about, and/or have nothing to do with you. The important thing to understand here is that she has to clearly see for herself how the loss is the result of her actions.

And here is where it may get a little sticky for the H. His job is not to take revengeful actions or try to punish her........and calling it by another name. He has to make very tough decisions, and whatever he decides to do......should be done according to his belief system, his standards and principals...,,,,and his own self value. This should be confused with thinking he should act like a wimp, not standing up for himself, and not tolerate her disrespect, etc. He has to be a man of integrity, and who lives by his values. That often requires tough love. Currently, the emotions are raw and thoughts of what to do may be rampant. He cannot afford to operate from a state of emotions. He just can't, b/c emotions are fickle and they can't make smart decisions. His head makes the decisions, so he had better have something more solid to direct him at this stressful time.

I took sat under a Pastor who spoke about love, and was introduced to the topic of impersonal love. As strange as that sounds, it gave me a blueprint for how to deal with loved ones who are not behaving very loving to you, and especially with a spouse. I learned that you have to mentally step back and let go of the emotion that wants to dictate how you should react to the other person. It doesn't remove your love for the other person, .......but it balances your emotionally flooded and confused brain to where you can operate in a much smarter, clearer, and safer state of mind. When you can behave and make decisions that are not based on fear, angry, jealousy, worry how she'll react, etc.........then you are taking control of only yourself and letting go of the drama, threats, and trying to control her. It's not about being cold, sullen, angry, etc. It is about mentally detaching from the emotionally charged situation so that you can act in a fashion that speaks of confidence, self respect, integrity, maturity, and calmness. This is lovingly detaching from the emotionally charged environment. And this, my friend, is attractive.

You need some serious alone time so that you can clear your head and get a plan of action. Think of what you need to do to protect yourself. Conduct yourself with dignity.

Could you get away for the weekend, to be alone? Just tell her you have a lot to think about......and don't give her any other details, b/c she will ask questions. She has your number, in case of an emergency.

Please ask questions if you are confused about anything I've said.