Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

I have a lot of reading and paper writing to do, but I wanted to update. Its been an interesting week (I think).

I had to "break up" with the musician guy, even though we technically were still at the getting to know each other level (one coffee meet up and two dinners). He was a very sweet, smart, talented, somewhat handsome man. Just not my guy. I tried to be very gentle, but quick. He still was crushed and even told me I was wrong. That satatement reinforced my decision even more, and made me remember that I told my own XH the same thing many times when he left me. It really doesn't help bring them back to your side by telling them that! I've had so little experience dating that this was a huge learning experience for me; something I feel most people experience or learn from in their teens and twenties.

I keep telling my friends that there are quite a few areas of my life where, due to lack of experience, I remain in an immature state. I feel like a child amongst adults. Dating has been a growth experience; breaking off a relationship (even a very small one) allowed me to have a little more insight into the difficulty of the decision from XH's perspective.

On Monday, XH came to my house with the truck to pick me up so we could visit the licensing office together to get our names off of each other's vehicles. He had to walk (limp) past the roofers to get in and commented on the new fence and paint colors on the outside. No compliments, still. It caused me to think...did he ever really directly compliment? I had to ask him his feelings on things usually, but his compliments were usually as he was describing my actions or decisions to others. Or if he was "wooing" me. Both of my daughters have brought this up in the past; that he rarely told them that they had done something well or was proud of them, but was very vocal when he didn't like something they did. Just an insight.

He and I also filled out the form to get me off of our joint credit card account (I discovered accidently that I was still on it and he was shocked/disappointed that he either forgot to take care of it or that it didn't get done correctly...who knows if he actually tried). We had a nice time catching up and ended up making a few copies of the truck key together and then going for a beer and appetizer. We talked for quite awhile...again, mostly me listening. He is very negative about aging. At one point, when talking about his accident, he mentioned his fear of being the "doddering old fool" (exact words he has used about his father, whom he also refers to as "senile") who tries to do things that he's too old to do. For cripes sake. He's 53! I asked him which thing was he most worried about; being doddering or a fool? He laughed and just told me both. I paid for our meal as a "thank you" for the truck.

As I was dropping him off at his apartment, he handed me one of the truck keys we made and said "put this on your key ring". When I told him I'd put it on a separate ring to return it, he said "no, I want you to keep it." So, I explained that we just did the lst of the paperwork tying us together and that with the truck, I would be able to get the last of the stuff out of the storage unit. There would be nothing tying us together; we would be done. He then said, "I don't want to be done. Keep the key on your ring." He then quickly got out and limped up to his apartment as I drove away. I feel sorry for him. He is frustrated with his wounded body, but sees it more as old age; and everything in his talk about his life is colored with a greyish-brown dirty film of depression. I have no idea how he speaks to others, but I can imagine he's his old chipper, charming self still, as far as they're concerned. How strange that is...and draining, if it is still true.

So, last night, I went out with a new guy, a journalist. Our similarities are interesting...even amusing, as are our differences. He has two daughters, about the same as my two in looks, personalities, and ages. Uncanny how similar. We had ties to certain areas and many of the same experiences. He was very curious and intelligent, but also very open and authentic in voicing his opinions, feelings, and history. He asked me about my relationship with XH, but explained he was asking because he remained close to his X and spoke to her often. His story, from the WAH side, matches my XH very closely. This may be an interesting foray into the mind-set of at least a WAH, possibly an MLCer. I am seeing him again this weekend. He's very direct. I'm intrigued.