Rebuilding my life #2

[lcause]

You should know they never do tests or the tests aren't accurate. I feel down always. The only way I feel "happy" is to either do something for someone else or convince myself that I'm a good dude. That's just shallow and never lasts. I can't start doing anything. Even doing dishes has felt a task I can't complete. F#ck, if there's a picture I need to hang to the wall it might seem like an impossible task for me. That's been like it for years. I have just pushed myself always doing those while feeling really bad. I can't start anything I'd enjoy to do. No matter how much I push myself. The masters I did took me 300 hours or so in total but still ranged for a year. No matter how hard I push myself, motivate myself, nothing is working. Believe me I've tried. For years. I have contemplated on committing a suicide every year at least once since I was 14. I have always felt this way. I accepted it as my normal and was always scared to be blamed if I go to therapy. Believe me I don't appreciate a single thing in my life. Air? Food? Water? They are normal, how can you appreciate them? Kids? Shallow happiness... thats all talk and it just does not help. Now stop asking because I don't need any pity partying any more and get to so something more productive with your day. I'm getting the meds one way or another.