My previous post outlined why the AP/LO is ahead of us with regards to striking the right notes with our WW’s, he’s been given all the aces and is winning all the hands BUT this can’t go on that’s the good news. Eventually the masks come off either your WW’s or the AP/LO’s, the fantasy ends and reality kicks in, where should we be when this happens…
DR’ing IN MY OPINION would suggest you work on “letting go” of her and work to moving forward in your life through GAL’ing and forgetting about the whole situation and let them go about their business. I AGREE.
What I have learnt is that not being a part of her A and being isolated from it allows for them to make the mistakes they’ll inevitably do, this is where patience comes in and you’ll need it in spades… Actually you need to answer the question whether you want to RC the MR I assume you do.
Now I am doing DR – No contact Detaching No pursuing GAL’ing
Where I differ is when I have contact with my WW (I NEVER pursue her), I tend to be her sounding board I be civil and friendly! I have boundaries of course we NEVER talk about the A or her AP/LO, if she does initiate a conversation about this I either ask her to refrain from doing it or ask her to leave – simple (by the way this has never happened). I want to build an atmosphere where I’m her safe place, somewhere she can come to to have someone listen to her day-to-day problems (work, finance etc.) and do this in a friendly manner.
[Putting on crash helmet] – I feel over time this method has been diluted on these boards, recently I’ve been reading the “Advice from Wise DB'ers” posts and early on this principle was adopted and now not! What’s changed? Again do what works for you BUT heed the vet’s advice. I do this as I feel I need to take away the aces. DON’T GIVE THE AP/LO AMMUNITION to fire back at you, I need to be the better person be her anchor when thing get difficult.
When the mask comes off the AP and deterioration sets into the A you need to be the constant, the person who’s always been there with unconditional L and instead of isolating her TOTALLY due to true DR’ing have her know that there’s still something you two could work on – RC…
Please bare in mind Chris my WW is STILL deep in her A and I’m having none of it and don’t condone her actions I stay as dark as I possibly can literally as dark as I possibly can, work on me and “act as if” I know everything in MY and those of my childrens lives is going to be good with or without WW, doing this alleviates unnecessary heartache and allows us to concentrate better on ourselves.
Do what works, if it doesn’t work do something different.
What do I know..!
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
